grief

so i am home right now and i'm wondering what i'm doing up at 6:51 in the morning (i blame missouri time).

i'm still grieving. i lost a very close friend of mine. michael j. maneha.

my heart hurts and i can't fathom why he was taken. i just can't.

i went through the cycles of grief, but the thing is: that's why it's called a cycle.

the closer to home i got, the sadder i felt. the more i felt the reality of a hole in my heart of someone who was not here anymore.

i can't call on him anymore. i hear michael buble's "home" and can't stop thinking of him.

i had several serious breakdowns earlier last week when i found out he had passed away. grief. guilt. dispair.

many ppl told me that it wouldn't be something that michael wanted me to feel. but that's the thing: he wasn't here anymore and i had to feel it.

it was the cycle of grief.

i have several ADD thoughts running rampant in my mind right now.

but God is good.

it's good to be home, but there's rain here the whole time (so i don't get to hit the beach).

it's a heck of a lot warmer here than it was in springfield. in fact, ppl are wearing hoodies in 67 degree weather. i used to do that. now, i can traipse around in shorts and a t-shirt.

i miss michael.


grief is not interested in answers; it wants things the way they were.

questions still stand unanswered.



tomorrow is his funeral. maybe i'll find some answers then.

until then, michael... i miss you so much. what i wouldn't give to have you back.. to talk to you again... to see you smile and laugh at life.

a hui hou, mike..