stolen my heart

it's a song by dashboard confessional. i like to think that Jesus has my heart. but i wonder if that's really the truth.

Made. MTV. I was watching that while I was working out the other day. High school teenagers send in their "testimony" of how and why they wanna be "made." To tell you the truth, I think it's a real sign of a deeper craving in our souls. We long for something deeper, so we search endlessly to the left and the right. if only they would notice me... if i do this, then they'd think that... i'd be that.. i would matter. i'm not saying that i'm completely apart from having these thoughts myself, but i just wonder, ya know? in that search to have something... in that search to be someone... is it all really gonna matter in eternity? i'm thinking back a few years about all of the names that really mattered... who was popular and such... and the things they did. to be honest, what they did really doesn't matter to me now. i don't really remember too much what people did, but how they treated me. it goes both ways, right? changing something external about you just so people would treat you differently? i don't know how i feel about that. i guess it's a good thing to want to feel better about yourself... but what are people really looking at? what really matters to them? what really matters to you??

i worked a double-shift today. i work 6 days this week. exhausting, i know. i haven't had much time to do anything, but sleep when i'm not working. i mean, look--i've barely been blogging since a few weeks ago:/

i keep telling myself that this job is only for a season. there are days when i am just wishing away my summer and longing to be in Missouri again with friends who are like-minded... other days, i wish for more time. i've grown really attached to some of the people i work with. there are two chinese ladies who i love because i get to practice speaking with them while teaching them english. it's such a great relationship. today, i got to translate a company meeting to one of the ladies and felt like i helped her. there's an older filipino lady whom i call "ma-ma." she has made such an impression on me. i see elements of Christ in her and it makes me smile. she is such a gentle lady and soft-spoken and wise. i can see that she selects her words carefully when she speaks. she's well-educated and well-versed. she smiles a little, and she works really hard. i truly admire her. she looks 57 years old, but get this: she's really 74!

today was a good day of work. i was a little outspoken by the second shift and said some pretty embarassing statements like asking a customer if he was dating one of the waitresses... the poor guy turned white and begged me not to match-make them. haha...

people have asked me why after all these years that i still continue to return to zippy's to work. the truth is, i see it as a mission field. i don't really talk too much about Jesus, but i try to show them love. i can't say that i'm popular there, but i enjoy working with others. what i'm finding out that in my effort to reach others, i have learned so many lessons about myself. i have learned that i can't love completly unconditionally-- it's hard. i've learned that i get stressed out. i've realized that i can get pulled down by people around me... into complacency.

that's the state i am in right now.

oh, Lord search me and know me.

it's ironic how the Lord can never steal our hearts... but the devil can. the Lord is gentle and the beautiful thing is that we already have HIS heart... He's just waiting for us to WILLINGLY give Him OURS