krispy krunchies

yield: 4 doz

1 c butter
2 c sugar
2 eggs
1/2 c chunky peanut butter
2 c flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 c quick oats
2 c crisp rice cereal
1 6 oz pkg chocolate pieces

cream butter and sugar tntil light and fluffy. add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. add peanut butter and mix well. gradually add flour, baking soda, and baking powder, which have been mixed together; stir in remaining ingredients. drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto lightly greased cookie sheets. bake. temperature: 350. time: 15-20 minutes or until lightly brown

recipe for mac-nut cheesecake bars

i found this recipe in my mom's recipe book. i think recipe books are my new passion.

1 c flour
1/3 c butter or margarine, softened
1/3 c brown sugar, packed
1/2 c chopped mac nuts
1 egg, beaten
1 8 oz pkg cream cheese softened
1/4 c sugar
2 TBs milk
1 TB lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

combine flour, butter, and brown sugar in small mixer bowl; mix on low speed until mixture is mealy. stir in nuts; set aside 1 cup for topping. press remander into ungreased 8" square pan. bake at 350 for 12-15 min or until light brown. combine remaining incredients in small mixer bowl; beat well on medium speed; pour over baked crust and spread evently. springkle with reserved flour misture. bake for additional 25-30 minutes. cool; cut into bars. if desired, top with fresh fruit of choice to serve.

power outages

so the power was out for 17 hours in kaneohe the other day. people were panicking... banding together... camping out in their cars with their dvd players.

my mom slept.

my brother and i played with fire.

at least it was warm and it wasn't an ice storm. lol

i have come to the conclusion that natural crises bring out the best or worst in people.


i rather like the candle-lit atmosphere... it's rather romantic, right?




so today, i wore a ring on my left ring finger. it's one of those spinners that says "he loves me". any of my friends would know that's a purity ring or whatever they call it. i bought it some weeks ago and thought it was neat and good reminder that my Heavenly Father loves me. Jesus loves me... and someday, my husband will love me. so i shouldn't be so quick to give my heart away to the next joe schmoe that says the right things to me. it doesn't fit too well on my right hand... plus it has worked to ward off perverts.

speaking of... i went to visit my old work place. they didn't hire me back. but that worked in my favor. the creep-o that kept saying incessant things to me and calling me "baby" this past summer clearly followed me from one side of the restaurant to the other. he came at me like he was going to hug me... but i quickly moved away and grabbed one of the waitresses to block me.

it's a good thing i didn't get hired back.

so, back to the ring. my pastor and my nieces berrated me with questions because that's the "wrong" finger to wear a ring on... unless i am betrothed... or whatever the word is... but whatever. i didn't bother explaining things to them because i didn't think it important for them to know.

i hung out with an old friend today. it reminds me of the times we'd hang out before. it was nice being around him and just talking about life... then we went and peroused around a thrift store.

my new passion.

you never know what you can find.

i'm not sure why i'm feeling so chatty. maybe because i haven't blogged since the beginning of this month.

i forgot to mention the ordeal i went through from MO to MN... then from MN to HI... but i'll save that for another day. just ask me.

today in church, pastor was talking about what we thought of our church, ourselves, and our world... in all the changes that we've had... and i thought about all of the hard times i have gone through this year.

i fought depression. i said goodbye to a friend who meant so much to me. i welcomed another niece into the world. i have decided (tentatively) on my future.

here's the clincher:
I AM THINKING ABOUT STAYING IN SPRINGFIELD... GETTING A JOB... GOING TO MSU'S MSW PROGRAM.

okay, i think i've written enough for now

infatuated

i'm infatuated.

in-FAT-u-ate-d

yeah... haha

no really. i struggle with the difference between love, lust, and infatuation. yeah, i think it's more so infatuation.
but i don't really think it's even that.

maybe it's just appreciation.

fascination?

haha..

what do I feel for God? what does He feel for me?

Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, "life is not pleasant anymore."
-ecc 12:1

God has seriously wrapped his arms around my broken heart in the past several weeks... He has enraptured me.... :D For a while, I forgot him... and life became unpleasant :(

hormones.
midterms.
depression.
angst.
michael.
resolution.

It's weird to say Michael's death brought resolution. I have his pic on my desk and remember to pray for his family... I've never had any deeply rooted romantic feelings for him. I have always respected the man that he was and the passion he had...

I would've liked to marry a man like him. I still do.

Oh, how I wish he was here again. I wish I could see him in my dreams and tell him that I miss him... I wish I could tell him that I finally found a girl right for him (which I still have yet to find... haha) I wish to hug him again. He gave good hugs :)... esp coming from a family of seven boys and one girl ;)

it's been almost a month since he died. i still miss him.

thanksgiving

1. I'm going home to Springfield tonight :)
2. I still miss Michael. Being home brings back so many memories of him. I remember the summer before this past one, I used to call him when I got off work and talk to him on the drive home. I remember when I'd talk to him, it's be like nothing else in the world would matter to him. Yet, my mind and heart were a million miles away... over something so trivial. I am haunted in a sense. But I don't want this to go away. I wish I could have a "shack" (the book) experience with him.... to see him again...
3. I am incredibly thankful for my family... I got to hold my squirmy niece today :)
4. God has blessed me so much.

elephant in the living room

there it is.

it casts a long shadow.

but no one talks about it.

missing michael

yesterday was his funeral.

i still miss him.


i found out the truth.

it still hurts.



i want michael back.

the fray

i heard this song while watching grey's..

it suits me.


listen.

i admire mormons

i've always admired the mormon people.

various reasons, of course.
1. their great looking guys (clean shaven) with their white t's and ties and how they would walk down the sidewalk carrying their bible
2. (it's funny how i put that as number one).. i knew a couple mormon guys in hs.. and i'm not gonna lie-- they were really good-looking ;)
3. in chinese, mo-moon... "to touch the door"... it suited them because they'd go around door-to-door to build relationships with people and share the good news
4. how they'd send their young men on missions for months or years at a time
5. their sense of family

yet, in a shadow side, i secretly thought they were inferior because of their beliefs about certain things.

i took a look at some of their beliefs this weekend... sure, some of them are different... not exactly out of the bible... and some of their practices may seem unorthodox.


in retrospect, does it all really even matter? why are we so hell-bent on getting people to think certain ways?

yet, why are some of us so put off by the free expression of appearances (even in the "christian circle")??
why don't we go door-to-door spreading the good news? why don't we even talk to our neighbor about Jesus?
why are we so unwilling to go on long-term missions trips?
where has our sense of family gone?



michael was mormon... most of his life...


i can't help but miss him and wish he could share his faith with me.

grief

so i am home right now and i'm wondering what i'm doing up at 6:51 in the morning (i blame missouri time).

i'm still grieving. i lost a very close friend of mine. michael j. maneha.

my heart hurts and i can't fathom why he was taken. i just can't.

i went through the cycles of grief, but the thing is: that's why it's called a cycle.

the closer to home i got, the sadder i felt. the more i felt the reality of a hole in my heart of someone who was not here anymore.

i can't call on him anymore. i hear michael buble's "home" and can't stop thinking of him.

i had several serious breakdowns earlier last week when i found out he had passed away. grief. guilt. dispair.

many ppl told me that it wouldn't be something that michael wanted me to feel. but that's the thing: he wasn't here anymore and i had to feel it.

it was the cycle of grief.

i have several ADD thoughts running rampant in my mind right now.

but God is good.

it's good to be home, but there's rain here the whole time (so i don't get to hit the beach).

it's a heck of a lot warmer here than it was in springfield. in fact, ppl are wearing hoodies in 67 degree weather. i used to do that. now, i can traipse around in shorts and a t-shirt.

i miss michael.


grief is not interested in answers; it wants things the way they were.

questions still stand unanswered.



tomorrow is his funeral. maybe i'll find some answers then.

until then, michael... i miss you so much. what i wouldn't give to have you back.. to talk to you again... to see you smile and laugh at life.

a hui hou, mike..

i can't win

it's been over a month since this battle began.


i can't win.


i am defeated.



if Jesus is in my corner, where is He?? there are times i feel so alone and confused about life and what's happening around me.

i know he's there... just... where?

alone

so i was at the fb game today and i have never felt more alone in an endless crowd of people.

i think i figured out what's wrong with me:
i got so sick of playing the dumb cheerleader for everyone and now, there's no dumb cheerleader for me.

yeah... i think that's it.

i wish for the closeness we once had.

yeah

that.

where did it go?



i feel like such a stranger to you

i'd write you a letter

but i don't know where to start.

tracks of my tears

i know i've sounded increasingly depressed lately. there's no lying about that b/c i am.

it's the truth.

i'm trying really hard to shake it, but i just haven't been able to.

i thought of this song today:

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..


so-o-o-o-o me right now.

depressed

i know my entries have become increasingly melodramatic.

i dunno... these past few days alone have been so... hellish on my emotions.

i believe it's because of the medication i'm on. if this is a precursor of what is to come, i really don't want to continue with it.

i feel empty, alone, and abandoned.

discouraged

that's what i am today.

but i listened to this song and cried:

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this



Jesus is gonna be worth it.

I really wish he would come now.

blessed

tonight, i went to the "24" after dinner. it was so blessed.

i finished my reading for one class, but failed to finish it for the others. so i made hawaiian energy bars. half of it was consumed by the boys/ppl in scott.

:)

i'm afraid i'm regressing.


but my faith is strong. i love jesus.

question

i've questioned the very nature of my major this week.

i've wondered if all the stress was worth it. all the hours of studying, reading, attending meetings, writing incessant papers... bah!

i've wished i didn't get so attached to clients and their situations.

it's what real social work is about.


i'm realizing the core of compassion and a glimpse of what Jesus felt when he saw the people and their needs and felt compassion for them.



i'm going to pray sometime tonight. i love 24.

only one sentence is not ego-centric.

*sigh

wwjd?

wearied

it's only the second week of school and i broke down TWICE... if this is an indicator of what is to come, please Jesus... spare me the pain!

i found that cooking is a major destressor for me. i think it's because i feel a little more in control of things.

the tasks have piled up around me. i'm exhausted and there are times i want to and will cry. i haven't done my laundry yet, which is a depressing thought.

i am reminded of this:
The LORD will work out his plans for my life-- for your faithful love, o LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me. - Ps138:8

Jesus, bring the rain

so it's been raining constantly today... and from the looks of it, it won't cease for the next four days or so... thanks, Gustav! but the rain is good. the rain has washed away the stench that came from the fellas of scott first south chugging and puking milk on monday

in other news, i start my practicum tomorrow... err, today (by the time i post this) and i must admit that i'm a bit nervous. but i know that's where God wants me to be and i feel fully assured in this. but part of me really wants to be in school... in chapel services (i know it sounds dorky to want to be there... but God has really been moving on our campus) but God knows... this much i'm sure.

i was thinking about getting a team of ppl together and going down to LA or TX to help out w/ Gustav... maybe over fall break?? we'll see what the Lord opens up...

God has really been moving on this campus. with the rain, ppl are confined in-doors... there was a prayer mtg tonight and there'll be one more tom'w night. i think i'll go to that.

i really like the rain. aside from the really cute rainboots i get to sport, rain just relaxes me. i'm not sure how relaxing it'll be when i'm driving to practicum tomorrow morning.

but Jesus, bring the rain.


i leave you with this song:

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain



Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing



everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

relaxation!

here i am in Eagan, MN.

for the first time this summer, i'm able to relax w/o a care in the world.

- i got my car: 97 chevy malibu

i'm set to go to springfield in 4 days.

the lineer's family been a tremendous blessing to me. you don't even know.


recently, i've come in a really hard position. proverbs 17:17. things have been happening that i happen to come across the wrong information at the wrong time. but i firmly believe it's all happened for a reason.

i don't really know what else to write. but God is good.

all the time.

3 weeks

it's finally starting to wind down as i am finally making a mad scramble to fit in all that hawaii has to offer me. i don't know if i'll be back next summer... or have the opportunity with the same people to do things like this again.

for all we know, such is life... whatcha gonna do about it?!

so i've had the strangest encounter today.


a girl that i've met through a friend, but never "officially met" started talking with me and eventually the subject got to the opposite gender (i find that's often the case w/ ppl our age, right?). so anyway, we share vague stories of how we liked a guy who didn't like us back and how to get over it. i shared with her how i got over a guy i liked last year... how i knew God had someone better for me... how it was "time to sing a new song"... and how i eventually got over him.

the strange thing was that she was trying to get over the same guy that i got over.

yeah.

strange. but i really believe it was of the Lord for that to happen. i didn't share with her that i was one of many that used to like him too (that would've made matters worse). but i shared with her how i got over him, and the things i've realized.

it was then i figured out that i had really arrived. in that time and since then, i hadn't truly realized how much i matured in my relationships w/ the opposite sex.

lately, i've been unwelcomely pursued by one of my co-workers.

it's a good thing i'm leaving so soon.

countdowns

i've hated being home so much that i've made a lot of little countdowns... my next gardasil shot (which now i'm wondering WHY i agreed to that... i'm not promiscuous or planning on being such)... when i get to put in my two weeks... my last day of work... when i'm leaving... pretty soon, i'm gonna put one for being back at EU.

i'm really sad.

today, i hung out w/ an old friend for more than a little while... we spent the majority of the time recounting his "escapades"... it was a little awkward b/c we ran into his ex's mom... she gave him the look that could kill... i later figured out why... with only one try.

i've come to a realization. being on the island, a person barely changes. places barely change too...

but it was so nice going around the island and listening to music i grew up w/... i'm bringing it back to eu... it's not exactly eu-appropriate, but i still like it... it's a part of my life that brings me back to a time when i didn't worry so much.

i was driving around with this friend today and we came to this wave spot and it just... captured me. it's times like those... listening to the music, seeing the sights... that i know i'll miss... chances are i might get homesick when i'm back on the mainland. i made a pact w/ my friend to call him and talk about food when i get homesick. he's in culinary so i don't think he'd shut up about food.

we almost saw mountain apples today.

God has ways of showing up

here's a cut-and-paste from a letter i dropped a friend... i'm too lazy to write the whole thing again

when you were telling me about how that customer in the cookie aisle was telling you that jesus loves you, it reminded me of two incidents that happened in the past week. i got goosebumps when you were telling me that (in hawaii, we call it getting "chicken skin"... gross term, i know)

the first one happened last week when i was so worried and upset about another co-worker. i left her a nasty note about how she needs to pull her own weight and not dig out right when it she is scheduled. she needed to clean her tables and help stock for the next shift. i was so upset one night because she didn't do it, leaving the night shift (which i worked both day AND night that day/night) without proper stock. it really infuriated me how she was so inconsiderate (it wasn't the first time) so i wrote her a letter about how she needs to be more mindful of the next shift and pull her weight b/c the next shift is not going to like her if she leaves the place empty, and the ppl she works with are going to catch the flack as well. i'm not in the habit of writing nasty notes... but i was really upset at her b/c she dug out right at 4pm without cleaning her tables and refused to do stock when a person from the next shift asked her to (it was listed as one of the tasks she needed to do). the next day, when i went into request off for this saturday, TWO managers talked to me about the "note" i left her and told me that it was an issue that needed to be handled by management. and they told me that the regional manager was involved in this and that i will need to conference with all of them. i had an "oh-crap" moment b/c i hate sitting down w/ management b/c it never ends positively for me. so i worried endlessly for two days. randomly, i got this text from a friend that said, "God saw you struggling, and says its over. A blessing is coming your way..." it was one of those chain messages, but it was from a friend i hadn't talked to in years! it freaked me out, but gave me peace at the same time.

the second one happened earlier this week. last friday, a customer was really rude to me. he kept yelling at me for bringing water to the table instead of coffee. he wouldn't let it go and kept making a scene. i tried to shrug it off, but the guy would not stop yelling at me (he really had no reason. he was drunk. seriously). i freaked out and had a nervous breakdown in front of the whole restaurant. bad idea. i don't recommend you do that. the mean guy LAUGHED and would not apologize. the other ladies w/ him kept apologizing to the other servers b/c i would not re-service the table. (i later found out that when a customer gets like that, i honestly have the right to refuse to serve them b/c they are creating a "hostile work environment"). suffice it to say, another table that i was waiting on happened to stick around after my "breakdown" and offered to pray for me. they also invited me to their church. i usually don't go to other churches, but i heard this church does outreach to drug addicts and prostitutes, which was something my church didn't do. so i went. it wasn't what i expected, but i def felt the presence of the Lord there. during service, i sat next to the pastor's daughter. she called me later this week and we talked for almost half an hour about God, ministry, life, hobbies, and other things. she said to me at the end of our conversation, "when i saw you, you reminded me of the story of Mary and Martha"... i was kind of caught off-guard, but i think i needed to hear that, ya know? there are too many times that i'm rushing around at work stressing myself out.

knowing these things makes it a little easier to work. and i dunno... gives me a peace that God hasn't abandoned me at my job. did you feel something like that when that guy told you "Jesus loves you"?

tonight, i told most of my co-workers that "in two weeks, I can put in my two-weeks notice!!whoo-hoo!!" most of them thought i was gonna stick around this time around and not go back to school... no way, jose! less than a month left of work for me! LET'S BUST OUR BUTTS IN SCHOOL (and have fun, of course) SO WE DON'T END UP WITH JOBS SUCH AS THESE... or have second jobs like these.


...

i miss my friends at school. i miss the leaves changing color. i miss the blistering cold (cuz that means i can wear a scarf!)

i miss it.

if only time would go faster.

desperately need Jesus

i had another breakdown tonight. except it was more of an anxiety attack. i couldn't move and felt paralyzed.

a customer caused this. he flipped out b/c i brought water to the table. he expected coffee. this wasn't the morning shift, granted (b/c i usually come ready w/ coffee cups).. it was 11pm. he just wouldn't let go of it. i offered to take the water back and the people on the table seemed embarrassed of his behavior.

he wouldn't stop flipping out.

so i cried and i was paralyzed with anger. i yelled on as the whole restaurant heard me.

the other stupid waitresses were just standing around and talking. i had even asked them to help me before. they continued talking

i couldn't stop crying and started hyperventilanting. i fell to the floor and needed someone to help me to the kitchen to calm down. it was embarrassing b/c i was waiting on another large party and had to leave them.

a lady from the "jerk" table kept apologizing to the other server to me, as the guy kept laughing on at what he did.

was he drunk? if he was, is he aware of what his comments can do to people?

is he even aware the i am a person? i am a person worthy of being treated so... rather than ridiculed for doing what i'm supposed to be doing. just because he's the customer, doesn't give him the right to harrass me like he did.

one of the ladies gave me the money from the check w/ a $10 tip. i call that a guilt/pity tip. i was really going to give that back to her right on the spot and tell her that i didn't need her money. she doesn't need to buy forgiveness. her husband/father needs to find it in Jesus.

but who am I to say that??

i do think next time i see them or wait on them, i'll give them back their money.

it's kind of like the whole bitter tip thing too. i'd rather them keep their stupid dollar and not tip me at all.

but the other party i waited on at the same time was actually a group of pastors from victory mission, a homeless outreach here. they invited me to a service at 100pm on sunday.

i think i'm gonna go.

i do need a double-dose of Jesus.

with a job like this, i desperately need my Jesus.

missing ewe

i got to talking to a co-worker again tonight and i just kept saying how much i missed school and was ready to head back b/c i missed everyone.

i figured out why.

the thing is that all i do here is work. i go to church once a week. i sleep when i'm not working. and i work.

work, work, work.

i don't really talk to anyone outside of work too often.

and at work, all i talk about is:

work.


all work and no play has made Amelia no fun.



i've also been missing my Jesus desperately.

all work and less Jesus has made Amelia desperately seeking.

the sad thing is that work has stressed me out so much that the first thing i've run to most times was my friends. someone to talk to.

i still do talk to Jesus. i ask him to heal my friends, guide my family, and speak into lives around me.

i just feel so unworthy to ask anything for me from the Lord.

what i loved about school were the trips to IHOP (prayer, not pancakes..) it was the relentless pursuit of the Lord, forsaking all responsibilities (not quite) and getting away to be with Jesus. it was glorious.

i just don't get that here.

breakdown

i didn't think the source of stress this summer would be so great. i started off w/ the mindset that i'm only here for a season and that i'll be back w/ my friends in no time.

i had a breakdown today. not a major one, but one anyway. i'm tired of work. it has been the source of many nightmares i've been having in the last several weeks. in these fiendish dreams, i am losing control of my temper and hitting and screaming or someone is losing their control. it's not completely horrific to the average dreamer, but it is to me.

the thing is i've been having more dreams that i can recall in the last few weeks than i've had in the last several years alone.

i don't know really if work is the source of these dreams, or if it's something else... really something else. whatever it is isn't of God. why would God give me these dreams??

i want to be with my friends again. i'm feeling strangely detached from everyone here.

maybe once i get away from here, the nightmares will stop.





they did last time.

nasty notes

one of my top strengths is harmony. another one is discipline.

the rest are major encouragers.

those two first strengths are greatly going against eachother in my life lately. i've had this co-worker who is just not pulling their weight at work, talking back to customers and other co-workers, rude... and just inconsiderate.

there were times i've had to confront her and i've been so steamed (i don't normally get that angry at ppl) but she just takes the cake.

the managers refuse to confront her (they said they've tried)

they need to fire her.


today, she left without cleaning her tables or her other side cleaning jobs.

i was upset b/c i had to do it and stayed back three hours to finish it and help out with the rush that came.


today i worked from 10 am to 11pm. i was pissed.


so i left a LONG, NASTY note.

i don't normally make a habit of doing that. it's my first.

i told her she was not only inconsiderate to the next shift working, but to her own fellow co-workers on her shift as well. i told her she was selfish and not pulling her weight.

i am not apologizing for being assertive b/c the management is not being firm enough.


some one needs to fire her.




*in other news, i'm going hiking tomorrow.

i'm stoked :)

missing eu

i am really missing my suitemates.

i am really missing the girls on my floor.

i'm missing the friends on campus.

three chapel services/week.

chicken strip sunday.

running down the halls.





i can't wait to get back.

i've already made plans.

fearful doubt

i came home w/ about $100 in my pocket tonight. praise God! it's good to know that hard work can pay off. lately, i think i've been getting better at the whole waitress thing b/c i notice my pocket bulging more some days. today, i was at a store and an employee there recognized me and said that i was a very good waitress.

not the typical comment. but whatever.


i denied it.

partially because i have my crappy nights. tonight was one of those.

but it's over. thank the Lord.


there are nights i feel like the marathon of business is never going to end... that the marathon is not worth it... my pocket tells me otherwise on some nights.


God is so great in providing me w/ this job that has a good income.

it's not something i plan on doing forever, but maybe in this season.

sure, it stresses me out most of the time (so much that i dream about work) and the ppl are sometimes not worth all the fuss... but thinking with an eternal perspective, am i trying to impact them? or let them impact me?

it goes both ways, i guess.

so it's almost 3am, and i'm talking to a friend on fb that's drunk and "just wants to talk". he's confessed that he used to have feelings for me. i think that's what drunken stupor can do to a person.

that's what friends are for, right?


can i confess something? i am kind of fearful of this last year at EU. i'm gonna be so busy w/ everything... i'm afraid i won't have time to be me... to find more of who i am... to really enjoy the college experience.

i get a little overwhelmed thinking about this next year... i look at the planner of events that i have for this upcoming semester with practicum meetings, nso, b&b, and oa things. plus, paying for this semester and next is proving to be a big stressor for me. i'm afraid of getting overwhelmed in that first week back. b/c the first week is kind of a lot... but so is the rest of the semester.

i know i should've fear, but i can't help it.

Passage Philippians 4:6:
⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Lord, I'm WORRIED about this upcoming year, even though it hasn't started. I need the finance situation to work out and to be able to get through this summer without completely wishing it away. Thank you for blessing me with this job (which can be a blessing in disguise at times). Thank you for providing me with friends that have been more than amazing in showing Your love.

I love You, Jesus.

blessings in disguise

so it was super busy at work tonight... it wasn't unbearably stressful... but there were times i had to stop and take a deep breath.


i came home with over $150 in my pocket. Praise Jesus! Most of the parties I waited on were pretty nice in their tipping... except this one table of young people. i don't think young people really understand how to tip... oh well... i still made plenty of money! one table gave me about $40... Praise Him!! there were times when i wondered if business would ever slow down

so i've been wondering lately and questioning myself why i'm pursuing social work. there are times i don't have that "unconditional postive regard for individuals" and just think... "eh, do it yourself, you lazy fool!"... and then i realized my whole reason for going into social work. i want to empower people to not only help themselves, but others as well. i came to this realization when i was talking to a restaurant cook on his break. poor guy.. i talked his poor ear off as he sat there intently listening.
People at work don't really talk to him and he doesn't talk to others, but when they see him talking with me, they think, "dude, he talks?" i think people need to be more outgoing to relate to others and connect them to the greater picture.

i'm almost finished with soul cravings. took me a while b/c i wanted to soak it all in. in one of the last few excerpts, it talks about our need to believe in something... to trust in something... to trust in our Heavenly Father. i'm not good at giving the gists of things, so you'll have to read it for yourself.

i have two cavities :(

i got the gardasil vaccine today too.

that's all i care to disclose right now

biokinetics

so i've been a little stressed in paying for school for this next term.

i'm seriously thinking about selling my body to medical science. there's a biokinetics study place about 4 miles from the school.

i don't think i'd actually do it though. but i'm thinking about it.

i look at the ppl who donate their plasma. a lot of them struggling missourians...

there must be another way.

jesus, take the wheel!

ecclesiasticus... apparently there's more to the bible!

so i found this quote online that pertained to friendship:
a faithful friend is a strong defense, and he that hath found such as one hath found a treasure.

it said ecc. 6:14

in the regular bible, there is no verse that exists.

i looked it up.

on bible.com.

it confused me that ppl would quote the bible like that. as i googled the phrase, i found that it was from ecclesiastiCUS 6:14.




i forgot about the apocrypha.



thank God for that.

i'm truly grateful for faithful friends.

i don't know who's reading this, but it's probably a faithful friend anyway ;-)


work was alright today. i got to go home early b/c i was sick.

i hope i get better soon.


ps: someone from school told me the other day that he and i should've dated last year. it threw me off.

i don't wanna date him.

i don't wanna even date right now.






i wanna be me. i wish these ppl would leave me alone

eyes to see

i heard a song on the way home by brandon heath. give me eyes to see what you see.

I want that to be my prayer. there are so many people that i come across that i just shrug off not have the greatest attitude toward.

Let that be my prayer today.

Yesterday, I learned a vital lesson. Mama taught it to me while we ate lunch together. she told me that the more we rush, the more we are delayed. i found that to be so true b/c the more i rushed, the more i was delayed.

Today, i tried my hardest and only one table didn't tip me (it was a really good reason though) i got really good tips from almost all my tables, but I can't help but feel utterly guilty for the one that i didn't (i actually got tipped for that one, which i shouldn't have)

Lord, give me eyes to see what you see. Let me see what you see in people that my human eyes cannot. Help me to reach out and have compassion for those YOU see and LOVE.

I'm tired. I've worked 46 hours so far this week, but i have to go in for 8 more tomorrow.

54.

I'm pau.

I can't go on. Pray for me. I haven't cracked open the Bible in a couple weeks. I'm really feeling it now.

i should be sleeping right now, but i think the coffee running through my blood is keeping me awake.

for only three servers working tonight, it was pretty steady. it wasn't too crazy and the tips were pretty good. actually, tips were really good :) ptl!

so here's the story for the night:
i waited on six guys who ranged in ages from later 20s to later 30s... and i found the younger one particularly attractive. i'm pretty sure that this is the first asian guy (in a LONG time... at least a year or two) that i've found really attractive. it's weird that i haven't really seen any really good looking asian guys in a long time maybe it's because the community that i work in has many old, business-y filipino men who i do NOT feel the least bit attracted to.... wait, i think the reasoning behind that is that i'm surrounded by white guys about nine months out of the year... which could explain why i find haole guys attractive. this one wasn't drop dead gorgeous-rockstar/actor handsome or anything. he was a kind of attractive that i didn't feel intimidated by. ya know... the kind where you can maintain eye contact without blushing or looking away. a lot of the asian guys i've seen so far around my age were more like my brother or fem-like (why is there an outbreak of fem-ness in guys here in HI? what the heck?!) so anyway, he left me $25 for a $70 check... which was more than kind. i won't say it makes up for the lack of tips i've been getting. (i don't compare these things like that)... but that was a blessing.

i also got to play w/ a little boy named trevin. he came in with his gramma. upon arriving, i gave him some nickels for the toy machine and let him get some toys. he was a little dissapointed that there were no toys in the machine and the one he got was half of a hollow seal. lame, right? so i dug in the back of the counter and found the coolest toys: a tiger that could be worn on a finger, a tiger stamp, and a little spinner thingie. i think i made his night because his face lit up and he looked right at me and smiled and said, "t'ank you!!"

i work in about 9 hours and should be getting some sleep because i'm working another double shift.

dang coffee.

**sigh***

so i was woken up around 7am this morning by my manager, wondering if i could come in and work another double.

i worked one yesterday.

i said yes, but came in later to sleep a little more. i came into work w/ wrinkles from my blanket still imbedded in my arm (how embarrassing, right?... a sure sign of exhaustion!) the first shift wasn't so bad, but i was still really tired. right before i took my break, there was a rush of customers that came in, which pushed back my break. i don't like it when it gets too hectic... cuz that's when customers only leave $1 versus $3 or $5... i know i'm being selfish in thinking this, but i give better service and get better money when i can focus on 4 tables versus 7. i think leaving $1 for poor service is more rude than leaving nothing... but at least their leaving a dollar right? i dunno. i'd rather them leave nothing. keep their bitter dollar, i say.

there are some people that seriously don't know how to tip. and i think that's really rude. i try to give really good service-- even to these people. they think $2 for $60 worth of food is a great tip. maybe i'm just bitter. in school, when i'd get bitter, i'd name myself mara (like from the book of Ruth when Naomi named herself Mara). i feel like a mara today.

today, i also lost my patience with a co-worker. it's been an ongoing thing that my patience was teetering... i was three tables ahead of her in the rotation of who gets a table (meaning that i was really busy while she wasn't) and she had the audacity to stand around and keep giving me tables and when i had to cash out a customer, she clearly cut in front of me and tried to cash out her own customer's check. in front of my customer (who was a regular), i got fed up and told her in front of the customer that it was clearly wrong that she came in front of me and attempted to cash out her own check. i told her it was a sign of selfishness and rudeness-- in front of the customer. i'm not proud of what i did (i mean, i didn't swear, but i did raise my voice), but i had to get my point across b/c she was clearly being rude to the customer who was right there. it wasn't the first time it has occurred and i just... i don't know what to do. i've talked to the managers about her in other incidents and i just don't want to work with her. but a little voice in back of my head keeps telling me that i was once where she was (but Lord..., i'm not that rude). i need to think past what other people are saying about her and what i'm thinking about her. i keep thinking to myself, "this too shall pass." this season of working will pass... i mean, it's just about 50 days til i leave, right? anyway, the same customer came back again tonight and i apologized profusely for the sight that he saw. he chuckled and assured me it was alright. still, i dunno how to handle this person. it's just difficult to work w/ her b/c she won't own up to all the mistakes she makes and the people working w/ her have to carry the blame, making it hard to work through. the cooks lost patience with me when i made a mistake b/c she had made so many... it's just really difficult working w/ her and working with everyone when she's working. it's like walking on eggshells.

i know work has been the subject of much of my blogs as of late... that's just what my hours have been immersed in... so have my energies and thoughts... **sigh.

one of my favorite co-workers, Auntie Naomi, is going for surgery at the end of the month. she's gonna get a bone fusion on her cervical spine because there are bone spurs impinging on her nerves that are affecting sensations in her arms. it saddens me that she's gonna be out of commission for a while because she's a large part of the reason i went back to that store. she looks out for me for the most part, and i write to her while i'm in MO. when i drive to work and get off late, she has me call her when i get home to make sure i get home safely. i like her despite her crude comments every now and then (she keeps them to a minimum for the most part). i consider her family. i'll probably be working for her every now and then. work won't be the same without her.

i just found out that one of my friends got a divorce. that's painful. i think he's been married for 3 months or something. even though it was a short time of marriage, it just seems like, i dunno... i know he's hurting big time. i just feel sore for him, ya know? divorce is something i wish wouldn't happen (but it's sometimes necessary, right?) i don't believe that God created separation and divorce.

it brings me to people wondering why God would let bad things happen like that. i don't believe God is the one that allows it to happen. He gives us free will. PEOPLE make it happen. Oftentimes, we blame God for the bad things that happen in the world. People ask God where He was when natural disasters happened. i believe that when people ask that, God asks... "well, what are YOU doing about it? I made you, didn't I? What are YOU gonna do about it??" it kind of makes me laugh (in an ironic sense)

take me away... i've got nothing left to say...just take me away... - lifehouse

i've recently started listening to edwin mccain on pandora. he's neat-o. i like his song, good times...

i'm looking foward to the good times ahead. let those good times roll to soothe the soul!

stolen my heart

it's a song by dashboard confessional. i like to think that Jesus has my heart. but i wonder if that's really the truth.

Made. MTV. I was watching that while I was working out the other day. High school teenagers send in their "testimony" of how and why they wanna be "made." To tell you the truth, I think it's a real sign of a deeper craving in our souls. We long for something deeper, so we search endlessly to the left and the right. if only they would notice me... if i do this, then they'd think that... i'd be that.. i would matter. i'm not saying that i'm completely apart from having these thoughts myself, but i just wonder, ya know? in that search to have something... in that search to be someone... is it all really gonna matter in eternity? i'm thinking back a few years about all of the names that really mattered... who was popular and such... and the things they did. to be honest, what they did really doesn't matter to me now. i don't really remember too much what people did, but how they treated me. it goes both ways, right? changing something external about you just so people would treat you differently? i don't know how i feel about that. i guess it's a good thing to want to feel better about yourself... but what are people really looking at? what really matters to them? what really matters to you??

i worked a double-shift today. i work 6 days this week. exhausting, i know. i haven't had much time to do anything, but sleep when i'm not working. i mean, look--i've barely been blogging since a few weeks ago:/

i keep telling myself that this job is only for a season. there are days when i am just wishing away my summer and longing to be in Missouri again with friends who are like-minded... other days, i wish for more time. i've grown really attached to some of the people i work with. there are two chinese ladies who i love because i get to practice speaking with them while teaching them english. it's such a great relationship. today, i got to translate a company meeting to one of the ladies and felt like i helped her. there's an older filipino lady whom i call "ma-ma." she has made such an impression on me. i see elements of Christ in her and it makes me smile. she is such a gentle lady and soft-spoken and wise. i can see that she selects her words carefully when she speaks. she's well-educated and well-versed. she smiles a little, and she works really hard. i truly admire her. she looks 57 years old, but get this: she's really 74!

today was a good day of work. i was a little outspoken by the second shift and said some pretty embarassing statements like asking a customer if he was dating one of the waitresses... the poor guy turned white and begged me not to match-make them. haha...

people have asked me why after all these years that i still continue to return to zippy's to work. the truth is, i see it as a mission field. i don't really talk too much about Jesus, but i try to show them love. i can't say that i'm popular there, but i enjoy working with others. what i'm finding out that in my effort to reach others, i have learned so many lessons about myself. i have learned that i can't love completly unconditionally-- it's hard. i've learned that i get stressed out. i've realized that i can get pulled down by people around me... into complacency.

that's the state i am in right now.

oh, Lord search me and know me.

it's ironic how the Lord can never steal our hearts... but the devil can. the Lord is gentle and the beautiful thing is that we already have HIS heart... He's just waiting for us to WILLINGLY give Him OURS

quiet rage

tonight, i was told by one of the cooks that i needed a boyfriend to control me. i really didn't know how to take that. this was how it went:
him: "amelia, you get boyfriend?"
me: "no"
him: "too bad, you need one fo' control you"

i flipped out and told him that he's lucky he's working in the kitchen because if he said that to my face, i'd be much more upset and do something i'd regret.

my worth is not defined by whether or not i have a man in my life. regardless of having a man or not, there will be days when i just have a small amount of patience. today was one of them.

why must ppl be so shallow?

last week, someone from work told me i was fat when she first met me last year. i'm the same size. my clothes fit me just the same.

can people think of things better to talk about.

lately, i've been dreaming of work a lot. and they're pretty disturbing dreams. one was of me yelling at a customer and another one was of my manager judging the amount of whipped cream i put on my desserts.

i need to get away.

two more months here

tabasco and other rants and ravings

tabasco sauce can cause skin burns. trust me. it happens to me a lot. no, i don't go pouring the tabasco sauce all over my skin... it just spills on my hands when i'm consolidating bottles of it. tonight, i accidently rubbed my eyes unbeknownst that it was still on my skin.

my eyes burned for 20 minutes.


i don't recommend you do that.



what makes me really sad is that there's this certain ethnic group of people (i won't say which one) who are notoriously bad tippers. i hate to listen to the stereotype, but i'm finding that it's true 90% of the time. this makes me sad, but i serve them anyway-- not expecting much. i try to tell myself that it's not always about the money.

i'm tired. i've worked five days this week. 3 of those were spent doing long double shifts. i'm tired.

proverbs 30

i read this today b/c i honestly didn't know where to start. it was the first time i really picked up my bible on my own since i've been back. there were so many passages that spoke to me, but i cn't remember them right now b/c it's 300am and i should get to sleep.

i worked my third double this week. i'm weary. proverbs 30 talks a little about that and give so much insight into behavior and how to treat others.

today, i was told that i was fat last year. i'm actually the same size. stupid people.

i'm really tired.

i changed my myspace layout to butterflies. i'm strangely fascinated by them. ralph mcmanus' book, soul cravings talks a little about that. how caterpillars are given the chance to transform.. their only means for survival. the process they go through, the innate sense to transform... since being saved, i've had that need... that need to become a butterfly... i was never meant to crawl around in my life. no, i don't believe in the reincarnation thing (even though my parents do)

i've worked about 44 hours this week.

i'm really, really tired

talking

so i got to talking w/ a long-time friend tonight about past relationships... i guess it's always a lengthy topic...

we got to talking and catching up on the news of old friends... i had no idea what was up with some of my friends. coming home, i don't really hang out with a lot of people because i don't go clubbing or drinking or do the things that a lot of my friends get involved in.

a friend kind of pointed out that part of the reason is that people are intimidated by my faith. at first, i was a bit offended by it. but he went on to say that some of my friends who i'm not so close with feel intimidated by the fact that i am secure in what i do and who i am (not the biggest truth, but i do know there's something bigger to live for). that's such a weird thought.

i just thought people didn't like me because i was weird.

go figure.

Devo by Gail Rodgers

Jehovah-Shalom; The LORD our Peace

Published by Leah on May 27, 2008 in Devotional, Devotional For Women and Experience. 0 Comments

by Gail Rodgers

Need peace? Ask for prayer. http://thelife.com/interactive/share.html

“For He Himself is our Peace.” Ephesians 2:14

Father in Heaven,
It is a profound thought that You, the God of Heaven and Earth, are my peace! Why is it that so often I choose to let unrest settle over my soul when You have promised to be my peace?

Lord, it is so easy to be distracted by the evening news, the price of gas and groceries, the deep needs around me. It is easy to loose sight of the fact that You have promised to be my Peace.

As I walk through my day today may Your Holy Spirit remind me that when circumstances are shaky around me, You remain my Rock and my soul can find refuge in You. When my mind is tempted to focus on all the things that steal peace from my heart and mind, may Your Spirit whisper to my soul that You are my strength, my shelter and my resting place.

May my mind focus on You and may my eyes be lifted above the circumstances to see Your face. You have said You will guide me with Your eye. May my gaze be on Your face so I will see and know Your guidance as I walk through my day.

You are my resting place. When the day feels long may I simply pause and lean into Your love and grace and mercy. May I pass it out to others as I receive it from You.

When others are stressed and anxious may my soul be secure in the hiding place of Your love. May my confidence rest in You as my Fortress and my Deliverer. You will guide my steps and direct my path as I focus on You and tune my ear to hear Your voice. Thank you for this amazing truth that You are my Peace. Help me to walk in that today with confidence and fresh reality.

You are the God of the lonely, the poor and the stranger, The God of the weak and the weary. You are the one who daily bears my burdens and is near to those who are crushed in sprit, sustaining them with unexplainable peace in the face of hardship. You are my Peace when the day is bright and my step is light. You are my Peace. I praise the Name of the Lord my God and in Your name I pray, amen.

weight

my existence has always been defined by my weight-- at least according to people i know here. every time they see me, there's always a comparison of how fat or skinny i've gotten. it's the first thing people say.... "wow, you've LOST weight!" what about, "i haven't seen you in such a long time! it's great to see you!"

growing up, i've always been compared to my cousins in height and weight.

i admit that i've become a little self-obsessed w/ weighing myself too often... seeing how many tenths of a pound i've lost or gained.

it's time these comparisons stopped.

workin' hard for the money

i worked from 11am to about 10pm... i had about 1 1/2 hours of break/rest and i'm exhausted!

i made over $100 in tips alone... PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT!

that's all

3 weddings

so i'm still reading soul cravings by ralph mcmanus. there are just so many good things that he has to say that i want to read through all of it so quickly so i can see all he has to say, but at the same time, read through it slowly so i can savor it. i highly recommend this book.

i went to lanikai today. on the way, leash called me and we talked for over half an hour about life and just... missing eu. it's hitting me harder than it did last year. this is going to be my last year at eu b/c i'm graduating in spring. i guess it's hitting me hard b/c of the sense of community that i've found there. there are ppl at eu that understand the idiosynchrosies that i have and either accept it or have the same ones too.

i saw three weddings at lanikai. three japanese couples. i guess it's the thing to do. fly to hawaii and get married. while at the beach, i ran into a friend who i haven't seen in years. she was my twin in elementary school. the teachers deliberately separated us b/c they mixed us up... she was japanese, i was chinese. it was nice to pick up where i left off with her.

after several hours of an attempt at tanning (turned burning), i got lost trying to get back to kaneohe b/c of the construction. i stopped at donquixote, a local store w/ a lot of asian foods. at the shopping center, i went to bale (which i thought was a french sandwich shop... turned out to be a vietnamese thing) and i got to order a bubble tea for 2.50, which is super cheap. i tried looking for it at windward mall the day before, but the place that used to make it closed down. but it was nice having a familiar treat. i went walking around donquixote after and bought a melona popsicle. it was glorious!

i got to chat it up w/ ppl from eu.

i miss them

but i'll see them soon

it's all gonna be alright

i'm listening to this song on pandora right now:

alright- tree63
I believe a change is going to come
That yesterday is over
I do yeah I do yeah

The clouds have silver linings after all
I’ve seen them with my own eyes
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

Though darkness overcomes you now
Morning will break through somehow

It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
Even this will pass – tomorrow comes at last
It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
It’s all gonna be alright

The grass is greener on the other side
No matter what they tell you
It’s beautiful – so beautiful

Sow in tears and reap with songs of joy
No sorrow lasts forever
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

There never was a darkest night
Without the promise of the morning light

It’s all gonna be…



the last time i heard this song, i was just... in a valley.

the thing about music is that it's always spoken to me in almost every moment in my life. i hear a song, and i can sometimes pinpoint the moment when that song had some significance to me. this was one of those times.

it's all gonna be alright. even this will pass-- tomorrow comes at last.

i can't say i'm brimming w/ joy right now.. but i'm not in that valley. it's because of the music. music has always been there.

it's funny to think that music was what brought me to the Lord (among other things and ppl). Sure, people have played a pivotal role, but music often said what people couldn't. the melodies. the harmonies.

play on.

getting married!

my friend got married today! i'll post up pictures at another time. it was just such a beautiful ceremony and reception. ppl kept asking me if i met someone at school. not yet. they said they'd pray about it. i don't want to put hope in the prophet.

hawaii's got vog for the last couple weeks, making a lot of people sick and miserable (i'm more so miserable). the air just feels dirty and things look hazy. it can't be paradise 365 days of the year

so i've been listening to country music on the radio on long drives. there was a song that cracked me up: "God must be busy".... that's totally something my dad would say.

parents and brother went to canada for the week. it's glorious having the house all to myself. what would make it even better would be if they stopped calling for nonsense things several times a day.

87 days til i leave. i decided to leave early.

bought grey's anatomy 3 the other day.... yay for summer when i actually have time to watch it. i'm finishing up season 2 right now. also bought three chick flicks. i've been in the mood for that lately.

i think i'm gonna go watch one right now.

God, I hope the vog goes away soon. Please bring the Kona winds.

slow night

i got called into work tonight. it was really slow, but i managed to make $40 in tips for about 3 hours of actually waiting on tables, which was nice.

when i say that i'm a social work major at zips, it seems that the green light floating above my head flashes "free counseling session" in bright green! one of the waitresses was set on telling me all of her dilemmas and asking me what i should do. oy vey.... i did remember my helping skills and used some of them on her before i got really tired and just wanted to go home.

i'm tired.

and i'm missing everyone in MO.. or at least everyone who was in MO and now scattered across the globe.

awkward sex talk

here's most of what i wrote a friend last night about my first night back at zippy's. i'm too lazy to write about it another time, so here goes:


my summer is going alright so far. tonight i started work. i was telling darrell whaley how strange it is that when i'm starting work, people in the continental US (we like to call it the "mainland") are sleeping, and when i'm sleeping, people are getting up and going about their days.

i'll tell you a story (cuz i ask you for so many... haha) tonight was a crazy first night back. i met a ton of new people. one of the new waitresses used to live in MO for several years of her life and just recently moved to HI.. so she and i had a lot to talk about MO (leaves changing color... weather). business started picking up rapidly as more and more people were coming in for dinner. being my first night back since christmas, i could barely keep up with the rotation and all of the complicated orders. what a way to be welcomed back in the throws of working. i kept thinking that i wanted to go home (or at least wanted people to go to their homes and have wonderful home-cooked meals... but then that bubble quickly faded when i realized the reason i was there.. not everyone can have wonderful home-cooked meals) so i worked through a rush that lasted almost three hours. by the time my break came, i was EXHAUSTED so i walked around the premises to get some fresh air from outside. i came across this local older lady who started cussing up a storm about not needing a man to one of the workers in the fast-food side of the restaurant and how it's better for a woman to be single for the rest of her life because there are way too many men who don't know how to treat women <-- this is the PG version that i'm giving you. not phased by her cursing, i asked her, "well, what if there is someone out there that would treat a woman right?" her response was that no man exists (except her dad). she went on with every other "four letter word" saying that such men are not found in hawaii and kept telling me to look elsewhere... i don't know if i agreed with her, but just nodded my head in being sympathetic. i kindly thanked her for her "words of wisdom" and finished my break as she ordered pastries from the bakery counter. when i came back from my break, there she was. in the dine-in restaurant... same lady who was cursing as if it were her native language... i said hi to her and she just kept goin' on telling me in front of her guests every time i passed the table how i need to keep my purity... in a not so "evangelistic" way. all i could do was nod my head and tell her, "okay, auntie... i will" (it's a local thing to call elders "aunty" and "uncle") now that i'm reflecting back on it.. yeah, all that to say that i got something along the lines of the sex talk (or at least quite graphic talk of sex) from a customer today.

awkward. that, and i got called a little girl too many times to count tonight. maybe that's why the lady started talking to me about sex

it's gonna be a very interesting summer working here again.

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You Act Like You Are 22 Years Old

You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up. The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

50, 30, 25, 15

i got suckered in to spending the afternoon w/ relatives. as much as i like my family, i just...

find my mother to be way overbearing.

the sad thing is: i'm just like her.

i had heard of the plans for this afternoon a couple days in advance and made it clear to my parents that i didn't want to come along in a crowded car and ride around... the "aunties" sucked me in and i had to squish in the backseat between my mom and cousin. whatever came out of my mom's mouth was just so negative and put a damper on things. i just... *sigh... pray that God changes me in this department.


my auntie and uncle celebrated their 50th anniversary today at this chinese (what i call "dive")and it was interesting seeing some cousins i haven't seen in YEARS...

50 years... that's half a century! My cousin, Laurie, and her husband, Wayne (far right) have been married 30 years. My parents have been married 25 years, and my cousins, Willard and Kay (far left second row) have been married 15 years. I believe these are true examples of couples that have stood the test of time. When I asked my auntie and uncle (bottom row) for advice, they just remarked how truly old they were.

I want a love that's lasting. a love with passion.

that's it for now.

360 days til graduation!

i thought i'd be a little more long term in my title today.

i got my job back at zips. but i'm not sure when i start b/c i'm replacing of the waitresses going on medical leave for two months-- the one waitress who makes going to work worthwhile (other than the tips). but i'll survive. i'm out to search for lost souls, like my pastor says.

i went to lanikai today. it was just too beautiful of a day to pass up going to the beach. i sat there, journal'd, read a little, and waded a while in the water to speed up the tanning process. there were mostly tourists there kayaking b/c lanikai is known for it's flat waves-- ideal conditions for kayaking.

there was a local man who came to sit on the beach. i could tell it was probably his day off or something b/c he came with a cooler of beer by himself. sad, i know... when i came out of the water, he started striking up conversation with me, intent on finding out the deep details of my life. i didn't say too much and kept everything that he asked superficial. i think he tried to ask me what high school i graduated from (why do small town people need to know this??) but i didn't tell him b/c most times, people stereotype me in some way (it happens very often when i'm waitressing) i told him that i was back from college for the summer and just kickin' it at the beach by myself b/c my friends were probably working or hungover... so he came up to me and offered me a green bottle (infamous as the "beverage of choice" in the islands-- heineken) and i quickly refused. he asked me why i don't drink and i told him that i just didn't want to and didn't believe in drinking. somewhere in the conversation, he found out that EU was a christian college and stopped talking to me (to my relief). but aren't i out to win lost souls?

so i sat there and read. i came across ps 119 and intended to read through it entirely (it takes more than a few minutes for me). all the while, it said something along the lines of how much we love his decrees and search to know him more.
Lord, let that be the cry of my heart to know and love you more each day.

I came across this in my reading as well:
I am sick at heart. HOw long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love... The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. - Ps 6:3-4, 9

This has kind of spoken to me as of late. it reminds me of the message that Brandon Shank delivered on Ezekiel and how he wasn't to mourn the death of his wife. although it completely contrasts it, it reminds me that even in the midst of mourning, the Lord hears our prayers. sometimes i feel like my heart is sick (a feeling i can't exactly explain) but i ask the Lord to save me with his love, which never fails. it's a beautiful thing...

i came back home and made my dad come work out with me for 45 minutes that the gym upstairs. they upgraded their equipment, which would probably motivate me to come more often this summer. i brought my green ball home, so i'll be doing more work w/ that.

i did some cleaning today around my house and i'm still working on hat #2.

i can't believe i'll be graduating in less than a year!

103 days left in the islands!

let's see... today, i went to apply for my old job-- again. i've been w/ the company on and off for the last seven years. i've seen the office clerk there more times than i can count. i interviewed with the same lady who's interviewed me every time i've come back to the company.

the good news is that i was still listed as employed in the company so i didn't have to go through the long process of filling out a lot of paper work again.

i went to see my grandma today... it's nice to know that some things never change... even the lock on her door... it's the same lock that's been there since she bought the house. now it's more broken than ever, but she refuses to get a new one.

my grandma showed me pictures of my cousin's first child. i have another second cousin on the way in november (yay!)

walking around my grandma's backyard and noticing the jabong trees and how they were producing fruit, my dad was telling me that my grandpa had planted these trees many, many years ago when they had first bought the house back in the 60s. when he died, the trees went into a wilting phase and dried up. the fruit shriveled up as well. this wasn't by my grandma's lack of watering (she waters the plants twice a day because it's so hot in kapahulu), but my dad explained to me that the trees were tied to my grandpa and felt the loss too. this didn't sit right with me as i noticed that there were many jabong on the tree that were looking much healthier than i ever remembered. my dad said this meant that he made it to "the other side" okay and is symbolic of his rebirth. uh... chinese spirituality. i didn't want to ask further for fear of other spirits. yes, i serve a God who triumphs over everything, but with the battles i've been through, i still somewhat revere what i've been taught in childhood. a little joy luck club for ya...

my dad and i walked around an ethnic market where i bumped into a teacher i hadn't seen in years (maybe almost 10). it was nice seeing a familiar face after all this time.

ooh, on a side note, it really peevs me that the first thing ppl notice upon seeing me is how much weight i've lost. they don't notice that i've changed a lot in the way i carry myself, my confidence, my intellect, the way i dress, or the spiritual growth i've gone through. i hate being defined by this measure, but apparently, it's the only measure that ppl in hawaii notice. that, and whether or not i have a boyfriend, which i still don't (which isn't such a bad thing). it is a sad, sad thing to be defined by how much i weigh and my "social" status.

i need to get away from this.

home

so i've been home a little over 24 hours and i've discovered a number of things:
- lots of korean food is disastrous on the stomach
- there's a reason why i don't go clubbing or drink: i don't want to end up being asked out by some 40-year-old guy that looks like he's 21... sorry, friend
- even though the church i go to here is really small and may be a bit old fashioned... nothing comes close to the sense of community it has. even though they may play the same songs, it's still great
- i really miss the ppl at eu... :(

during the morning service, pastor Y talked about how we shouldn't simply be spectators in our faith, but doers. he cited a passage out of 1cor9:19-27. he also announced that the evening service was going to feature a message by shane claiborne, author of IRRESISTIBLE REVOLUTION. i could barely sit in my seat in anticipation to hear what this guy had to say. I had read IR last year and wanted to immediately move to PA to be a part of this movement.

after church, i went out to lunch w/ some ppl from church. it was a great time to catch up w/ everyone. after that, i meandered around wal-mart for a long time after a phone call w/ leash... it was nice to meander without having to worry about where i had to be. i found a postcard of a cat and it reminded me of craig, dan, and scott and their fb profile pics.

coming to the evening service, i got to chat w/ more ppl. i bought a planner from wal-mart and i'm already putting things into it for next semester. i'm really excited to be doing my practicum and getting out in the community.

after service, i got to chat w/ auntie kathy, my sunday school teacher. she prayed w/ me about something that's been on my mind...

i miss my eu friends.... i don't know another place where i can find such a high concentration of eccentric individuals that understand and appreciate my idiosyncracies.

i hope this summer goes by fast.

It's been a WHOLE MONTH! yikes!

sorry for not keeping up on this thing. it's been (yes) a month (almost exactly) since i last updated you on this. sorry about that. since then, there've been so many things that have happened. there was the collision leadership conference some weeks ago that really revitalized my faith and purpose: to become a river and not a flood.

i got the b&b position for the school for this next school year. i'm a little nervous about the commitment that it will take. but i think i'm more nervous about all of the other things that i want to do.

i feel changed. my heart is not in the same condition it used to be in, which is good in a lot of ways, but there's still work that needs to be done. i wish more and more to become the woman God has intended me to become but feel so hindered by things in front of me.

i've just been.. i dunno.. i'm feeling a lack of motivation to do anything. i'm irritated. i don't want to go home. Lord, change my heart to not be so critical of others or myself.

eu24 CRAZINESS!!

so i wish i didn't work the eu24 event, but i'm glad i did. it was very well-organized and i had the opportunity to meet so many new faces that will be at eu next year. the good thing is that i get an extra week of pay for only a full day of work.

this next week, i have so many assignments due... well, two big ones. so far, the semester hasn't been too difficult compared to the fall semester. :/ but i need to get my butt into gear on this one.

whew.... this past week was so busy. i think i had some major event or assignment every day this week. there's things going on tonight that i'm gonna stop by at when i have the chance.

things are winding down as there are seven weeks to go in the semester. i can't believe it's gone by that fast! it makes me kind of sad that there are only 7 weeks left! that means summer will be coming and back to work, i go!

the thought of summer makes me sad... kind of. i'll be home in hawaii, but away from everyone here...

oh well, i guess i'll just take things as they come.

pray for me. i'm trying to deal with something right now and i don't know what to do and don't know if i should go forward.

til then, a hui hou!

back from spring break

i'll make this one a quick one.

i haven't been on here in a while. busy-ness. really.

this week for spring break, i job-shadowed my (hopefully) future practicum instructor at her site. i admit that i am really interested in what she does and hope to do that too. i have my interview on tuesday along with the rest of my job-shadowing.

i did a lot during break. mostly relaxed. cooked a lot. knitted a LOT. cleaned a LOT. painted a LOT. hw... a LOT. but i honestly admit that my "God time" was NOT a LOT... sad to say.... when i had the most time.

something's been occupying my mind lately. pray for me? this week is going to be crazy-busy for me too. i cannot believe it.

that's all i have time to say right now.

on to studying... paper writing, and reading-- here i come!

fasting and pranks

So I've been fasting facebook (sorta) and myspace for lent. i go on fb to check up on my leadership group, but i've kind of strayed away from doing that b/c they've learned to contact me through campus e-mail. but with all of this free time, i've been able to get more done and reflect on some of the things that break God's heart in my life. I am realizing that although I don't have the classic "Christian-home and born into a church", I am doing just fine. For a while, this has been my crutch or something... but God's doing a great work in me that's only just begun.

last night, my suitemates, a friend, and i pranked one of our friends. we put orange dots around his room (i put some in his coat pockets and in random spots around his room). needless to say, we were caught in the act (i think that was the best part)... we frantically fled his room when we heard them in the next room over saying that they were going to come in... honestly, it was the funniest moment that i wouldn't trade up for a while...

EU is also doing the 24-hours of prayer again. i got to go for about an hour last night, which was nice, but i kept falling asleep because it was so dark in there and the music being played was so soft

so today, i'm working on HW and doing some reading. tonight, the floor is going to an 80s arcade, so i'm excited about that.

classes cancelled

So today, classes are cancelled... i was supposed to have a test today, stats, and some work in policy. it's good to have this day off, but i don't think i'm getting my money's worth out of an education here.... i think i'm losing about $100 for classes being cancelled. but oh well. i guess i can use this time to be productive and get my application done for practicum. i just need to complete a final sheet thing of where i want to go.

i'll be productive today

heavy-laden

My biggest gripe today was in chapel when the speaker demonstrated the power of racism in the 1950s. he had all the minority students stand up in front of everyone and relocate to the back of the chapel. i was among them and i dunno.. it spoke more volumes to me than probably a lot of other people. the girls on my floor didn't really show much, which i didn't know how to react. to me, it felt like they didn't care that i had to move seats.. maybe they thought it was funny to them? i don't know...

i'm feeling a bit critical of myself lately... there are reasons that i'll just ask you to pray for me.

the weekend should be good.

*sigh

ice cream run!

today was kind of a down day where i realized some ugly things about me. i pretty much felt sorry for myself. the funny thing was that i wasn't alone in that thought. so several girls and i planned our getaway to the local lake and scream our guts out. so four of us piled in a car and attempted to drive out. the lake was too far so we went to mcdonald's instead and picked up free ice cream cones.... then we drove to another mcdonald's on glenstone and picked up more free ice cream. we thought it'd be a good idea to try the other mcd's around springfield, but after three other unsucessful attempts, we gave up and headed back to campus.

my day was productive, but... *sigh

pray for me.

catch up time!

so i haven't written in this thing since mlk, jr. day. sorry about that.

what's happened since then. sadly, i have to look at my planner to figure out what my life's been about... not really much except applying for practicum. i think i'm gonna go into medical social work.

oh yah, couple weeks ago, i cooked dinner for a bunch of friends. as much as i'd like to cook regularly for a lot of ppl, i don't think my finances would support that. but i love blessing those who bless me :)

i got to play frisbee with one of the girls that lives across me. megan. she is such a wonderful person! speaking of frisbees, i got one from the practicum fair after talking to a person for what seemed like 20 min (the frisbee was on my mind!)

today's fat tuesday.... or at least the end of it. i thought about fasting chocolate again. and then i thought i should fast facebook. that's where i felt the most conviction. but i technically couldn't fast it ALL the time b/c that's how i communicate with my small group for leadership. maybe i could fast several days out of the week of fb and just do it a day or two... while i'm at that, i should add myspace to the pile. a friend told me that fasting really reveals a person's true character... and reliance on God.

spiritually, i feel like i'm really growing... i'm much happier at ET than i was at hope (last semester) i'm not saying that hope was a bad church or anything (because it's really a wonderful church) but i think God's put me at this church for a reason... for what, i don't know yet... but i'm happy there. i'm thinking about trying out the afternoon service b/c i think the morning service is too crowded, but i have to find a way there... please pray w/ me about that.

check out my blog on the eu website. i've included some pictures that i'm too lazy to put up here, but for the sake of being interesting, here:

micah jones and i at work before our moments in the snow!

Martin Luther King Day

I think Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a great man... after all the reforms and waters he stirred, he still manages to get a holiday-- a holy day.

I had my first full week of school last week. I'm not gonna lie, it was a bit overwhelming but it went by super quickly. I didn't realize how busy I'd be every day. It was nice to take a three day weekend to gear up for this next week.

This past Friday, there was all-music and worship during the chapel service, which was amazing! I helped to cater the athletic banquet for the fb players, which was interesting-- to say the least.

EU had this 24 hours of prayer in the chapel and I went there after work. I didn't realize how exhausted I was from the week until I started stumbling around walking in the chapel. "24" reminded me of the "45" at Hope Community Church, except there were more people there praying and students were playing the music... I think I'm gonna make it a point to go to the "45" more often.

Saturday was a blur. Sunday, I went to Evangel Temple (not affiliated w/ the school) College Service. Pastor Jason spoke on getting back to the basics in terms of growing in spiritual maturity. I like his messages because they're simple, humorous, and applicable.

This week, I have a social work practicum meeting on Tuesday and a leadership meeting on Wednesday. This week is also Spiritual Emphasis Week with something in Forgiveness. I don't know how well this will go over, but I'm praying God will reveal something in my heart about this topic in my life.

The Practicum Fair is next week when a lot of the practicum sites will be coming to recruit students. I'm really praying about going to Missouri Rehab or St. Johns-- two places with a strong emphasis in physical rehabilitation. I'm leaning more towards St. John's because of the distance (MO Rehab is about 45 minutes drive away). Please pray with me about that.

One last thing: pray for the girls on my floor.... that we become unified and grow more towards God.

That's it.

011408

So I did a catering event this past weekend w/ Collegiate Catering, a company in conjunction with the school. reminded me of my times at zips, but was a lot less hectic :) i might do another event this friday.

friday went rock-climbing w/ a couple friends and then to the 45 at Hope Community Church. The 45 is forty-five continuous hours of prayer when people can come before the Lord hearing sweet melodies. couple friends and i were there from 2am-4am-- it was amazing and revitalizing! Evangel might have something like this on Friday-Saturday. :)

went to james river assembly on sunday. some big author came and presented the idea that loving fathers need to be present in their children's lives. i felt so convicted after service b/c my parents still aren't saved...

please pray for me. um, i can't really explain the details, but maybe for wisdom in handling a situation...

day 2

so here i am on the second day. it was a relatively easy day... class, chapel, class, pau. i was pau at noon, which was really nice. i got to get a lot of work done for the next week and outlined some of the things that i need to get done next week.

my room isn't flooded anymore. i don't know if i mentioned it earlier, but a pipe burst couple floors above and leaked into my room. the smell isn't in my room anymore, which is nice :)

it was nice to get back into the routine of chapel services. for the first time in a while, i felt really happy to be there. i think i was going through a "chapel dry-spell" or something. although i don't know if i agreed w/ what the campus pastor had to say on some issues... rather inappropriate, but whatever...

tom'w, the president is speaking in chapel. i like his messages. his voice is very soothing too, but what he has to say is very valid.

so i've made it so far... tornado and everything

Classes Began

Hey all--

I'm putting this up in hopes that I can keep in touch w/ you all and let you know how life is like on this end of the world. (truth is, i'm too lazy to write it out a dozen times...)

I got in a couple days ago. my luggage was left in dallas-ft. worth because my layover was so short. so after berrating the luggage delivery service, i got them back yesterday. :)

On the first night back, there were several tornado sirens going off. The girls in the dorm had to cramp in a hallway for several hours (not all at once, but a couple times that night). Couple of the tornadoes touched down a couple blocks from the school. A friend and I drove over there and was shocked at the devastation it had caused (no wonder they call it a natural disaster!) At one point when things were clear for just less than an hour, couple girls and I hightailed it to the nearest McD's to get some "sustenance." we arrived back just in time to hear more sirens go off. oh, there's nothing like a natural disaster to bring people together!

first day of classes today. had helping skills so far. two more classes in a bit. helping skills is gonna be lighter than welfare (PTL! haha).

it's good to be back.

more to come!