thanksgiving

1. I'm going home to Springfield tonight :)
2. I still miss Michael. Being home brings back so many memories of him. I remember the summer before this past one, I used to call him when I got off work and talk to him on the drive home. I remember when I'd talk to him, it's be like nothing else in the world would matter to him. Yet, my mind and heart were a million miles away... over something so trivial. I am haunted in a sense. But I don't want this to go away. I wish I could have a "shack" (the book) experience with him.... to see him again...
3. I am incredibly thankful for my family... I got to hold my squirmy niece today :)
4. God has blessed me so much.

elephant in the living room

there it is.

it casts a long shadow.

but no one talks about it.

missing michael

yesterday was his funeral.

i still miss him.


i found out the truth.

it still hurts.



i want michael back.

the fray

i heard this song while watching grey's..

it suits me.


listen.

i admire mormons

i've always admired the mormon people.

various reasons, of course.
1. their great looking guys (clean shaven) with their white t's and ties and how they would walk down the sidewalk carrying their bible
2. (it's funny how i put that as number one).. i knew a couple mormon guys in hs.. and i'm not gonna lie-- they were really good-looking ;)
3. in chinese, mo-moon... "to touch the door"... it suited them because they'd go around door-to-door to build relationships with people and share the good news
4. how they'd send their young men on missions for months or years at a time
5. their sense of family

yet, in a shadow side, i secretly thought they were inferior because of their beliefs about certain things.

i took a look at some of their beliefs this weekend... sure, some of them are different... not exactly out of the bible... and some of their practices may seem unorthodox.


in retrospect, does it all really even matter? why are we so hell-bent on getting people to think certain ways?

yet, why are some of us so put off by the free expression of appearances (even in the "christian circle")??
why don't we go door-to-door spreading the good news? why don't we even talk to our neighbor about Jesus?
why are we so unwilling to go on long-term missions trips?
where has our sense of family gone?



michael was mormon... most of his life...


i can't help but miss him and wish he could share his faith with me.

grief

so i am home right now and i'm wondering what i'm doing up at 6:51 in the morning (i blame missouri time).

i'm still grieving. i lost a very close friend of mine. michael j. maneha.

my heart hurts and i can't fathom why he was taken. i just can't.

i went through the cycles of grief, but the thing is: that's why it's called a cycle.

the closer to home i got, the sadder i felt. the more i felt the reality of a hole in my heart of someone who was not here anymore.

i can't call on him anymore. i hear michael buble's "home" and can't stop thinking of him.

i had several serious breakdowns earlier last week when i found out he had passed away. grief. guilt. dispair.

many ppl told me that it wouldn't be something that michael wanted me to feel. but that's the thing: he wasn't here anymore and i had to feel it.

it was the cycle of grief.

i have several ADD thoughts running rampant in my mind right now.

but God is good.

it's good to be home, but there's rain here the whole time (so i don't get to hit the beach).

it's a heck of a lot warmer here than it was in springfield. in fact, ppl are wearing hoodies in 67 degree weather. i used to do that. now, i can traipse around in shorts and a t-shirt.

i miss michael.


grief is not interested in answers; it wants things the way they were.

questions still stand unanswered.



tomorrow is his funeral. maybe i'll find some answers then.

until then, michael... i miss you so much. what i wouldn't give to have you back.. to talk to you again... to see you smile and laugh at life.

a hui hou, mike..

i can't win

it's been over a month since this battle began.


i can't win.


i am defeated.



if Jesus is in my corner, where is He?? there are times i feel so alone and confused about life and what's happening around me.

i know he's there... just... where?