tracks of my tears

i know i've sounded increasingly depressed lately. there's no lying about that b/c i am.

it's the truth.

i'm trying really hard to shake it, but i just haven't been able to.

i thought of this song today:

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..


so-o-o-o-o me right now.

depressed

i know my entries have become increasingly melodramatic.

i dunno... these past few days alone have been so... hellish on my emotions.

i believe it's because of the medication i'm on. if this is a precursor of what is to come, i really don't want to continue with it.

i feel empty, alone, and abandoned.

discouraged

that's what i am today.

but i listened to this song and cried:

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this



Jesus is gonna be worth it.

I really wish he would come now.

blessed

tonight, i went to the "24" after dinner. it was so blessed.

i finished my reading for one class, but failed to finish it for the others. so i made hawaiian energy bars. half of it was consumed by the boys/ppl in scott.

:)

i'm afraid i'm regressing.


but my faith is strong. i love jesus.

question

i've questioned the very nature of my major this week.

i've wondered if all the stress was worth it. all the hours of studying, reading, attending meetings, writing incessant papers... bah!

i've wished i didn't get so attached to clients and their situations.

it's what real social work is about.


i'm realizing the core of compassion and a glimpse of what Jesus felt when he saw the people and their needs and felt compassion for them.



i'm going to pray sometime tonight. i love 24.

only one sentence is not ego-centric.

*sigh

wwjd?

wearied

it's only the second week of school and i broke down TWICE... if this is an indicator of what is to come, please Jesus... spare me the pain!

i found that cooking is a major destressor for me. i think it's because i feel a little more in control of things.

the tasks have piled up around me. i'm exhausted and there are times i want to and will cry. i haven't done my laundry yet, which is a depressing thought.

i am reminded of this:
The LORD will work out his plans for my life-- for your faithful love, o LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me. - Ps138:8

Jesus, bring the rain

so it's been raining constantly today... and from the looks of it, it won't cease for the next four days or so... thanks, Gustav! but the rain is good. the rain has washed away the stench that came from the fellas of scott first south chugging and puking milk on monday

in other news, i start my practicum tomorrow... err, today (by the time i post this) and i must admit that i'm a bit nervous. but i know that's where God wants me to be and i feel fully assured in this. but part of me really wants to be in school... in chapel services (i know it sounds dorky to want to be there... but God has really been moving on our campus) but God knows... this much i'm sure.

i was thinking about getting a team of ppl together and going down to LA or TX to help out w/ Gustav... maybe over fall break?? we'll see what the Lord opens up...

God has really been moving on this campus. with the rain, ppl are confined in-doors... there was a prayer mtg tonight and there'll be one more tom'w night. i think i'll go to that.

i really like the rain. aside from the really cute rainboots i get to sport, rain just relaxes me. i'm not sure how relaxing it'll be when i'm driving to practicum tomorrow morning.

but Jesus, bring the rain.


i leave you with this song:

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain



Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing



everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy