proverbs 30

i read this today b/c i honestly didn't know where to start. it was the first time i really picked up my bible on my own since i've been back. there were so many passages that spoke to me, but i cn't remember them right now b/c it's 300am and i should get to sleep.

i worked my third double this week. i'm weary. proverbs 30 talks a little about that and give so much insight into behavior and how to treat others.

today, i was told that i was fat last year. i'm actually the same size. stupid people.

i'm really tired.

i changed my myspace layout to butterflies. i'm strangely fascinated by them. ralph mcmanus' book, soul cravings talks a little about that. how caterpillars are given the chance to transform.. their only means for survival. the process they go through, the innate sense to transform... since being saved, i've had that need... that need to become a butterfly... i was never meant to crawl around in my life. no, i don't believe in the reincarnation thing (even though my parents do)

i've worked about 44 hours this week.

i'm really, really tired

talking

so i got to talking w/ a long-time friend tonight about past relationships... i guess it's always a lengthy topic...

we got to talking and catching up on the news of old friends... i had no idea what was up with some of my friends. coming home, i don't really hang out with a lot of people because i don't go clubbing or drinking or do the things that a lot of my friends get involved in.

a friend kind of pointed out that part of the reason is that people are intimidated by my faith. at first, i was a bit offended by it. but he went on to say that some of my friends who i'm not so close with feel intimidated by the fact that i am secure in what i do and who i am (not the biggest truth, but i do know there's something bigger to live for). that's such a weird thought.

i just thought people didn't like me because i was weird.

go figure.

Devo by Gail Rodgers

Jehovah-Shalom; The LORD our Peace

Published by Leah on May 27, 2008 in Devotional, Devotional For Women and Experience. 0 Comments

by Gail Rodgers

Need peace? Ask for prayer. http://thelife.com/interactive/share.html

“For He Himself is our Peace.” Ephesians 2:14

Father in Heaven,
It is a profound thought that You, the God of Heaven and Earth, are my peace! Why is it that so often I choose to let unrest settle over my soul when You have promised to be my peace?

Lord, it is so easy to be distracted by the evening news, the price of gas and groceries, the deep needs around me. It is easy to loose sight of the fact that You have promised to be my Peace.

As I walk through my day today may Your Holy Spirit remind me that when circumstances are shaky around me, You remain my Rock and my soul can find refuge in You. When my mind is tempted to focus on all the things that steal peace from my heart and mind, may Your Spirit whisper to my soul that You are my strength, my shelter and my resting place.

May my mind focus on You and may my eyes be lifted above the circumstances to see Your face. You have said You will guide me with Your eye. May my gaze be on Your face so I will see and know Your guidance as I walk through my day.

You are my resting place. When the day feels long may I simply pause and lean into Your love and grace and mercy. May I pass it out to others as I receive it from You.

When others are stressed and anxious may my soul be secure in the hiding place of Your love. May my confidence rest in You as my Fortress and my Deliverer. You will guide my steps and direct my path as I focus on You and tune my ear to hear Your voice. Thank you for this amazing truth that You are my Peace. Help me to walk in that today with confidence and fresh reality.

You are the God of the lonely, the poor and the stranger, The God of the weak and the weary. You are the one who daily bears my burdens and is near to those who are crushed in sprit, sustaining them with unexplainable peace in the face of hardship. You are my Peace when the day is bright and my step is light. You are my Peace. I praise the Name of the Lord my God and in Your name I pray, amen.

weight

my existence has always been defined by my weight-- at least according to people i know here. every time they see me, there's always a comparison of how fat or skinny i've gotten. it's the first thing people say.... "wow, you've LOST weight!" what about, "i haven't seen you in such a long time! it's great to see you!"

growing up, i've always been compared to my cousins in height and weight.

i admit that i've become a little self-obsessed w/ weighing myself too often... seeing how many tenths of a pound i've lost or gained.

it's time these comparisons stopped.

workin' hard for the money

i worked from 11am to about 10pm... i had about 1 1/2 hours of break/rest and i'm exhausted!

i made over $100 in tips alone... PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT!

that's all

3 weddings

so i'm still reading soul cravings by ralph mcmanus. there are just so many good things that he has to say that i want to read through all of it so quickly so i can see all he has to say, but at the same time, read through it slowly so i can savor it. i highly recommend this book.

i went to lanikai today. on the way, leash called me and we talked for over half an hour about life and just... missing eu. it's hitting me harder than it did last year. this is going to be my last year at eu b/c i'm graduating in spring. i guess it's hitting me hard b/c of the sense of community that i've found there. there are ppl at eu that understand the idiosynchrosies that i have and either accept it or have the same ones too.

i saw three weddings at lanikai. three japanese couples. i guess it's the thing to do. fly to hawaii and get married. while at the beach, i ran into a friend who i haven't seen in years. she was my twin in elementary school. the teachers deliberately separated us b/c they mixed us up... she was japanese, i was chinese. it was nice to pick up where i left off with her.

after several hours of an attempt at tanning (turned burning), i got lost trying to get back to kaneohe b/c of the construction. i stopped at donquixote, a local store w/ a lot of asian foods. at the shopping center, i went to bale (which i thought was a french sandwich shop... turned out to be a vietnamese thing) and i got to order a bubble tea for 2.50, which is super cheap. i tried looking for it at windward mall the day before, but the place that used to make it closed down. but it was nice having a familiar treat. i went walking around donquixote after and bought a melona popsicle. it was glorious!

i got to chat it up w/ ppl from eu.

i miss them

but i'll see them soon

it's all gonna be alright

i'm listening to this song on pandora right now:

alright- tree63
I believe a change is going to come
That yesterday is over
I do yeah I do yeah

The clouds have silver linings after all
I’ve seen them with my own eyes
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

Though darkness overcomes you now
Morning will break through somehow

It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
Even this will pass – tomorrow comes at last
It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
It’s all gonna be alright

The grass is greener on the other side
No matter what they tell you
It’s beautiful – so beautiful

Sow in tears and reap with songs of joy
No sorrow lasts forever
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

There never was a darkest night
Without the promise of the morning light

It’s all gonna be…



the last time i heard this song, i was just... in a valley.

the thing about music is that it's always spoken to me in almost every moment in my life. i hear a song, and i can sometimes pinpoint the moment when that song had some significance to me. this was one of those times.

it's all gonna be alright. even this will pass-- tomorrow comes at last.

i can't say i'm brimming w/ joy right now.. but i'm not in that valley. it's because of the music. music has always been there.

it's funny to think that music was what brought me to the Lord (among other things and ppl). Sure, people have played a pivotal role, but music often said what people couldn't. the melodies. the harmonies.

play on.

getting married!

my friend got married today! i'll post up pictures at another time. it was just such a beautiful ceremony and reception. ppl kept asking me if i met someone at school. not yet. they said they'd pray about it. i don't want to put hope in the prophet.

hawaii's got vog for the last couple weeks, making a lot of people sick and miserable (i'm more so miserable). the air just feels dirty and things look hazy. it can't be paradise 365 days of the year

so i've been listening to country music on the radio on long drives. there was a song that cracked me up: "God must be busy".... that's totally something my dad would say.

parents and brother went to canada for the week. it's glorious having the house all to myself. what would make it even better would be if they stopped calling for nonsense things several times a day.

87 days til i leave. i decided to leave early.

bought grey's anatomy 3 the other day.... yay for summer when i actually have time to watch it. i'm finishing up season 2 right now. also bought three chick flicks. i've been in the mood for that lately.

i think i'm gonna go watch one right now.

God, I hope the vog goes away soon. Please bring the Kona winds.

slow night

i got called into work tonight. it was really slow, but i managed to make $40 in tips for about 3 hours of actually waiting on tables, which was nice.

when i say that i'm a social work major at zips, it seems that the green light floating above my head flashes "free counseling session" in bright green! one of the waitresses was set on telling me all of her dilemmas and asking me what i should do. oy vey.... i did remember my helping skills and used some of them on her before i got really tired and just wanted to go home.

i'm tired.

and i'm missing everyone in MO.. or at least everyone who was in MO and now scattered across the globe.

awkward sex talk

here's most of what i wrote a friend last night about my first night back at zippy's. i'm too lazy to write about it another time, so here goes:


my summer is going alright so far. tonight i started work. i was telling darrell whaley how strange it is that when i'm starting work, people in the continental US (we like to call it the "mainland") are sleeping, and when i'm sleeping, people are getting up and going about their days.

i'll tell you a story (cuz i ask you for so many... haha) tonight was a crazy first night back. i met a ton of new people. one of the new waitresses used to live in MO for several years of her life and just recently moved to HI.. so she and i had a lot to talk about MO (leaves changing color... weather). business started picking up rapidly as more and more people were coming in for dinner. being my first night back since christmas, i could barely keep up with the rotation and all of the complicated orders. what a way to be welcomed back in the throws of working. i kept thinking that i wanted to go home (or at least wanted people to go to their homes and have wonderful home-cooked meals... but then that bubble quickly faded when i realized the reason i was there.. not everyone can have wonderful home-cooked meals) so i worked through a rush that lasted almost three hours. by the time my break came, i was EXHAUSTED so i walked around the premises to get some fresh air from outside. i came across this local older lady who started cussing up a storm about not needing a man to one of the workers in the fast-food side of the restaurant and how it's better for a woman to be single for the rest of her life because there are way too many men who don't know how to treat women <-- this is the PG version that i'm giving you. not phased by her cursing, i asked her, "well, what if there is someone out there that would treat a woman right?" her response was that no man exists (except her dad). she went on with every other "four letter word" saying that such men are not found in hawaii and kept telling me to look elsewhere... i don't know if i agreed with her, but just nodded my head in being sympathetic. i kindly thanked her for her "words of wisdom" and finished my break as she ordered pastries from the bakery counter. when i came back from my break, there she was. in the dine-in restaurant... same lady who was cursing as if it were her native language... i said hi to her and she just kept goin' on telling me in front of her guests every time i passed the table how i need to keep my purity... in a not so "evangelistic" way. all i could do was nod my head and tell her, "okay, auntie... i will" (it's a local thing to call elders "aunty" and "uncle") now that i'm reflecting back on it.. yeah, all that to say that i got something along the lines of the sex talk (or at least quite graphic talk of sex) from a customer today.

awkward. that, and i got called a little girl too many times to count tonight. maybe that's why the lady started talking to me about sex

it's gonna be a very interesting summer working here again.

blogthings

Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: Moderate Fashion Geekiness: Low General Geekiness: Low Internet Geekiness: Low Music Geekiness: Low SciFi Geekiness: Low Gamer Geekiness: None Geekiness in Love: None Movie Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

You Act Like You Are 22 Years Old

You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up. The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

50, 30, 25, 15

i got suckered in to spending the afternoon w/ relatives. as much as i like my family, i just...

find my mother to be way overbearing.

the sad thing is: i'm just like her.

i had heard of the plans for this afternoon a couple days in advance and made it clear to my parents that i didn't want to come along in a crowded car and ride around... the "aunties" sucked me in and i had to squish in the backseat between my mom and cousin. whatever came out of my mom's mouth was just so negative and put a damper on things. i just... *sigh... pray that God changes me in this department.


my auntie and uncle celebrated their 50th anniversary today at this chinese (what i call "dive")and it was interesting seeing some cousins i haven't seen in YEARS...

50 years... that's half a century! My cousin, Laurie, and her husband, Wayne (far right) have been married 30 years. My parents have been married 25 years, and my cousins, Willard and Kay (far left second row) have been married 15 years. I believe these are true examples of couples that have stood the test of time. When I asked my auntie and uncle (bottom row) for advice, they just remarked how truly old they were.

I want a love that's lasting. a love with passion.

that's it for now.

360 days til graduation!

i thought i'd be a little more long term in my title today.

i got my job back at zips. but i'm not sure when i start b/c i'm replacing of the waitresses going on medical leave for two months-- the one waitress who makes going to work worthwhile (other than the tips). but i'll survive. i'm out to search for lost souls, like my pastor says.

i went to lanikai today. it was just too beautiful of a day to pass up going to the beach. i sat there, journal'd, read a little, and waded a while in the water to speed up the tanning process. there were mostly tourists there kayaking b/c lanikai is known for it's flat waves-- ideal conditions for kayaking.

there was a local man who came to sit on the beach. i could tell it was probably his day off or something b/c he came with a cooler of beer by himself. sad, i know... when i came out of the water, he started striking up conversation with me, intent on finding out the deep details of my life. i didn't say too much and kept everything that he asked superficial. i think he tried to ask me what high school i graduated from (why do small town people need to know this??) but i didn't tell him b/c most times, people stereotype me in some way (it happens very often when i'm waitressing) i told him that i was back from college for the summer and just kickin' it at the beach by myself b/c my friends were probably working or hungover... so he came up to me and offered me a green bottle (infamous as the "beverage of choice" in the islands-- heineken) and i quickly refused. he asked me why i don't drink and i told him that i just didn't want to and didn't believe in drinking. somewhere in the conversation, he found out that EU was a christian college and stopped talking to me (to my relief). but aren't i out to win lost souls?

so i sat there and read. i came across ps 119 and intended to read through it entirely (it takes more than a few minutes for me). all the while, it said something along the lines of how much we love his decrees and search to know him more.
Lord, let that be the cry of my heart to know and love you more each day.

I came across this in my reading as well:
I am sick at heart. HOw long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love... The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. - Ps 6:3-4, 9

This has kind of spoken to me as of late. it reminds me of the message that Brandon Shank delivered on Ezekiel and how he wasn't to mourn the death of his wife. although it completely contrasts it, it reminds me that even in the midst of mourning, the Lord hears our prayers. sometimes i feel like my heart is sick (a feeling i can't exactly explain) but i ask the Lord to save me with his love, which never fails. it's a beautiful thing...

i came back home and made my dad come work out with me for 45 minutes that the gym upstairs. they upgraded their equipment, which would probably motivate me to come more often this summer. i brought my green ball home, so i'll be doing more work w/ that.

i did some cleaning today around my house and i'm still working on hat #2.

i can't believe i'll be graduating in less than a year!

103 days left in the islands!

let's see... today, i went to apply for my old job-- again. i've been w/ the company on and off for the last seven years. i've seen the office clerk there more times than i can count. i interviewed with the same lady who's interviewed me every time i've come back to the company.

the good news is that i was still listed as employed in the company so i didn't have to go through the long process of filling out a lot of paper work again.

i went to see my grandma today... it's nice to know that some things never change... even the lock on her door... it's the same lock that's been there since she bought the house. now it's more broken than ever, but she refuses to get a new one.

my grandma showed me pictures of my cousin's first child. i have another second cousin on the way in november (yay!)

walking around my grandma's backyard and noticing the jabong trees and how they were producing fruit, my dad was telling me that my grandpa had planted these trees many, many years ago when they had first bought the house back in the 60s. when he died, the trees went into a wilting phase and dried up. the fruit shriveled up as well. this wasn't by my grandma's lack of watering (she waters the plants twice a day because it's so hot in kapahulu), but my dad explained to me that the trees were tied to my grandpa and felt the loss too. this didn't sit right with me as i noticed that there were many jabong on the tree that were looking much healthier than i ever remembered. my dad said this meant that he made it to "the other side" okay and is symbolic of his rebirth. uh... chinese spirituality. i didn't want to ask further for fear of other spirits. yes, i serve a God who triumphs over everything, but with the battles i've been through, i still somewhat revere what i've been taught in childhood. a little joy luck club for ya...

my dad and i walked around an ethnic market where i bumped into a teacher i hadn't seen in years (maybe almost 10). it was nice seeing a familiar face after all this time.

ooh, on a side note, it really peevs me that the first thing ppl notice upon seeing me is how much weight i've lost. they don't notice that i've changed a lot in the way i carry myself, my confidence, my intellect, the way i dress, or the spiritual growth i've gone through. i hate being defined by this measure, but apparently, it's the only measure that ppl in hawaii notice. that, and whether or not i have a boyfriend, which i still don't (which isn't such a bad thing). it is a sad, sad thing to be defined by how much i weigh and my "social" status.

i need to get away from this.

home

so i've been home a little over 24 hours and i've discovered a number of things:
- lots of korean food is disastrous on the stomach
- there's a reason why i don't go clubbing or drink: i don't want to end up being asked out by some 40-year-old guy that looks like he's 21... sorry, friend
- even though the church i go to here is really small and may be a bit old fashioned... nothing comes close to the sense of community it has. even though they may play the same songs, it's still great
- i really miss the ppl at eu... :(

during the morning service, pastor Y talked about how we shouldn't simply be spectators in our faith, but doers. he cited a passage out of 1cor9:19-27. he also announced that the evening service was going to feature a message by shane claiborne, author of IRRESISTIBLE REVOLUTION. i could barely sit in my seat in anticipation to hear what this guy had to say. I had read IR last year and wanted to immediately move to PA to be a part of this movement.

after church, i went out to lunch w/ some ppl from church. it was a great time to catch up w/ everyone. after that, i meandered around wal-mart for a long time after a phone call w/ leash... it was nice to meander without having to worry about where i had to be. i found a postcard of a cat and it reminded me of craig, dan, and scott and their fb profile pics.

coming to the evening service, i got to chat w/ more ppl. i bought a planner from wal-mart and i'm already putting things into it for next semester. i'm really excited to be doing my practicum and getting out in the community.

after service, i got to chat w/ auntie kathy, my sunday school teacher. she prayed w/ me about something that's been on my mind...

i miss my eu friends.... i don't know another place where i can find such a high concentration of eccentric individuals that understand and appreciate my idiosyncracies.

i hope this summer goes by fast.