missing eu

i am really missing my suitemates.

i am really missing the girls on my floor.

i'm missing the friends on campus.

three chapel services/week.

chicken strip sunday.

running down the halls.





i can't wait to get back.

i've already made plans.

fearful doubt

i came home w/ about $100 in my pocket tonight. praise God! it's good to know that hard work can pay off. lately, i think i've been getting better at the whole waitress thing b/c i notice my pocket bulging more some days. today, i was at a store and an employee there recognized me and said that i was a very good waitress.

not the typical comment. but whatever.


i denied it.

partially because i have my crappy nights. tonight was one of those.

but it's over. thank the Lord.


there are nights i feel like the marathon of business is never going to end... that the marathon is not worth it... my pocket tells me otherwise on some nights.


God is so great in providing me w/ this job that has a good income.

it's not something i plan on doing forever, but maybe in this season.

sure, it stresses me out most of the time (so much that i dream about work) and the ppl are sometimes not worth all the fuss... but thinking with an eternal perspective, am i trying to impact them? or let them impact me?

it goes both ways, i guess.

so it's almost 3am, and i'm talking to a friend on fb that's drunk and "just wants to talk". he's confessed that he used to have feelings for me. i think that's what drunken stupor can do to a person.

that's what friends are for, right?


can i confess something? i am kind of fearful of this last year at EU. i'm gonna be so busy w/ everything... i'm afraid i won't have time to be me... to find more of who i am... to really enjoy the college experience.

i get a little overwhelmed thinking about this next year... i look at the planner of events that i have for this upcoming semester with practicum meetings, nso, b&b, and oa things. plus, paying for this semester and next is proving to be a big stressor for me. i'm afraid of getting overwhelmed in that first week back. b/c the first week is kind of a lot... but so is the rest of the semester.

i know i should've fear, but i can't help it.

Passage Philippians 4:6:
⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Lord, I'm WORRIED about this upcoming year, even though it hasn't started. I need the finance situation to work out and to be able to get through this summer without completely wishing it away. Thank you for blessing me with this job (which can be a blessing in disguise at times). Thank you for providing me with friends that have been more than amazing in showing Your love.

I love You, Jesus.

blessings in disguise

so it was super busy at work tonight... it wasn't unbearably stressful... but there were times i had to stop and take a deep breath.


i came home with over $150 in my pocket. Praise Jesus! Most of the parties I waited on were pretty nice in their tipping... except this one table of young people. i don't think young people really understand how to tip... oh well... i still made plenty of money! one table gave me about $40... Praise Him!! there were times when i wondered if business would ever slow down

so i've been wondering lately and questioning myself why i'm pursuing social work. there are times i don't have that "unconditional postive regard for individuals" and just think... "eh, do it yourself, you lazy fool!"... and then i realized my whole reason for going into social work. i want to empower people to not only help themselves, but others as well. i came to this realization when i was talking to a restaurant cook on his break. poor guy.. i talked his poor ear off as he sat there intently listening.
People at work don't really talk to him and he doesn't talk to others, but when they see him talking with me, they think, "dude, he talks?" i think people need to be more outgoing to relate to others and connect them to the greater picture.

i'm almost finished with soul cravings. took me a while b/c i wanted to soak it all in. in one of the last few excerpts, it talks about our need to believe in something... to trust in something... to trust in our Heavenly Father. i'm not good at giving the gists of things, so you'll have to read it for yourself.

i have two cavities :(

i got the gardasil vaccine today too.

that's all i care to disclose right now

biokinetics

so i've been a little stressed in paying for school for this next term.

i'm seriously thinking about selling my body to medical science. there's a biokinetics study place about 4 miles from the school.

i don't think i'd actually do it though. but i'm thinking about it.

i look at the ppl who donate their plasma. a lot of them struggling missourians...

there must be another way.

jesus, take the wheel!

ecclesiasticus... apparently there's more to the bible!

so i found this quote online that pertained to friendship:
a faithful friend is a strong defense, and he that hath found such as one hath found a treasure.

it said ecc. 6:14

in the regular bible, there is no verse that exists.

i looked it up.

on bible.com.

it confused me that ppl would quote the bible like that. as i googled the phrase, i found that it was from ecclesiastiCUS 6:14.




i forgot about the apocrypha.



thank God for that.

i'm truly grateful for faithful friends.

i don't know who's reading this, but it's probably a faithful friend anyway ;-)


work was alright today. i got to go home early b/c i was sick.

i hope i get better soon.


ps: someone from school told me the other day that he and i should've dated last year. it threw me off.

i don't wanna date him.

i don't wanna even date right now.






i wanna be me. i wish these ppl would leave me alone

eyes to see

i heard a song on the way home by brandon heath. give me eyes to see what you see.

I want that to be my prayer. there are so many people that i come across that i just shrug off not have the greatest attitude toward.

Let that be my prayer today.

Yesterday, I learned a vital lesson. Mama taught it to me while we ate lunch together. she told me that the more we rush, the more we are delayed. i found that to be so true b/c the more i rushed, the more i was delayed.

Today, i tried my hardest and only one table didn't tip me (it was a really good reason though) i got really good tips from almost all my tables, but I can't help but feel utterly guilty for the one that i didn't (i actually got tipped for that one, which i shouldn't have)

Lord, give me eyes to see what you see. Let me see what you see in people that my human eyes cannot. Help me to reach out and have compassion for those YOU see and LOVE.

I'm tired. I've worked 46 hours so far this week, but i have to go in for 8 more tomorrow.

54.

I'm pau.

I can't go on. Pray for me. I haven't cracked open the Bible in a couple weeks. I'm really feeling it now.

i should be sleeping right now, but i think the coffee running through my blood is keeping me awake.

for only three servers working tonight, it was pretty steady. it wasn't too crazy and the tips were pretty good. actually, tips were really good :) ptl!

so here's the story for the night:
i waited on six guys who ranged in ages from later 20s to later 30s... and i found the younger one particularly attractive. i'm pretty sure that this is the first asian guy (in a LONG time... at least a year or two) that i've found really attractive. it's weird that i haven't really seen any really good looking asian guys in a long time maybe it's because the community that i work in has many old, business-y filipino men who i do NOT feel the least bit attracted to.... wait, i think the reasoning behind that is that i'm surrounded by white guys about nine months out of the year... which could explain why i find haole guys attractive. this one wasn't drop dead gorgeous-rockstar/actor handsome or anything. he was a kind of attractive that i didn't feel intimidated by. ya know... the kind where you can maintain eye contact without blushing or looking away. a lot of the asian guys i've seen so far around my age were more like my brother or fem-like (why is there an outbreak of fem-ness in guys here in HI? what the heck?!) so anyway, he left me $25 for a $70 check... which was more than kind. i won't say it makes up for the lack of tips i've been getting. (i don't compare these things like that)... but that was a blessing.

i also got to play w/ a little boy named trevin. he came in with his gramma. upon arriving, i gave him some nickels for the toy machine and let him get some toys. he was a little dissapointed that there were no toys in the machine and the one he got was half of a hollow seal. lame, right? so i dug in the back of the counter and found the coolest toys: a tiger that could be worn on a finger, a tiger stamp, and a little spinner thingie. i think i made his night because his face lit up and he looked right at me and smiled and said, "t'ank you!!"

i work in about 9 hours and should be getting some sleep because i'm working another double shift.

dang coffee.

**sigh***

so i was woken up around 7am this morning by my manager, wondering if i could come in and work another double.

i worked one yesterday.

i said yes, but came in later to sleep a little more. i came into work w/ wrinkles from my blanket still imbedded in my arm (how embarrassing, right?... a sure sign of exhaustion!) the first shift wasn't so bad, but i was still really tired. right before i took my break, there was a rush of customers that came in, which pushed back my break. i don't like it when it gets too hectic... cuz that's when customers only leave $1 versus $3 or $5... i know i'm being selfish in thinking this, but i give better service and get better money when i can focus on 4 tables versus 7. i think leaving $1 for poor service is more rude than leaving nothing... but at least their leaving a dollar right? i dunno. i'd rather them leave nothing. keep their bitter dollar, i say.

there are some people that seriously don't know how to tip. and i think that's really rude. i try to give really good service-- even to these people. they think $2 for $60 worth of food is a great tip. maybe i'm just bitter. in school, when i'd get bitter, i'd name myself mara (like from the book of Ruth when Naomi named herself Mara). i feel like a mara today.

today, i also lost my patience with a co-worker. it's been an ongoing thing that my patience was teetering... i was three tables ahead of her in the rotation of who gets a table (meaning that i was really busy while she wasn't) and she had the audacity to stand around and keep giving me tables and when i had to cash out a customer, she clearly cut in front of me and tried to cash out her own customer's check. in front of my customer (who was a regular), i got fed up and told her in front of the customer that it was clearly wrong that she came in front of me and attempted to cash out her own check. i told her it was a sign of selfishness and rudeness-- in front of the customer. i'm not proud of what i did (i mean, i didn't swear, but i did raise my voice), but i had to get my point across b/c she was clearly being rude to the customer who was right there. it wasn't the first time it has occurred and i just... i don't know what to do. i've talked to the managers about her in other incidents and i just don't want to work with her. but a little voice in back of my head keeps telling me that i was once where she was (but Lord..., i'm not that rude). i need to think past what other people are saying about her and what i'm thinking about her. i keep thinking to myself, "this too shall pass." this season of working will pass... i mean, it's just about 50 days til i leave, right? anyway, the same customer came back again tonight and i apologized profusely for the sight that he saw. he chuckled and assured me it was alright. still, i dunno how to handle this person. it's just difficult to work w/ her b/c she won't own up to all the mistakes she makes and the people working w/ her have to carry the blame, making it hard to work through. the cooks lost patience with me when i made a mistake b/c she had made so many... it's just really difficult working w/ her and working with everyone when she's working. it's like walking on eggshells.

i know work has been the subject of much of my blogs as of late... that's just what my hours have been immersed in... so have my energies and thoughts... **sigh.

one of my favorite co-workers, Auntie Naomi, is going for surgery at the end of the month. she's gonna get a bone fusion on her cervical spine because there are bone spurs impinging on her nerves that are affecting sensations in her arms. it saddens me that she's gonna be out of commission for a while because she's a large part of the reason i went back to that store. she looks out for me for the most part, and i write to her while i'm in MO. when i drive to work and get off late, she has me call her when i get home to make sure i get home safely. i like her despite her crude comments every now and then (she keeps them to a minimum for the most part). i consider her family. i'll probably be working for her every now and then. work won't be the same without her.

i just found out that one of my friends got a divorce. that's painful. i think he's been married for 3 months or something. even though it was a short time of marriage, it just seems like, i dunno... i know he's hurting big time. i just feel sore for him, ya know? divorce is something i wish wouldn't happen (but it's sometimes necessary, right?) i don't believe that God created separation and divorce.

it brings me to people wondering why God would let bad things happen like that. i don't believe God is the one that allows it to happen. He gives us free will. PEOPLE make it happen. Oftentimes, we blame God for the bad things that happen in the world. People ask God where He was when natural disasters happened. i believe that when people ask that, God asks... "well, what are YOU doing about it? I made you, didn't I? What are YOU gonna do about it??" it kind of makes me laugh (in an ironic sense)

take me away... i've got nothing left to say...just take me away... - lifehouse

i've recently started listening to edwin mccain on pandora. he's neat-o. i like his song, good times...

i'm looking foward to the good times ahead. let those good times roll to soothe the soul!

stolen my heart

it's a song by dashboard confessional. i like to think that Jesus has my heart. but i wonder if that's really the truth.

Made. MTV. I was watching that while I was working out the other day. High school teenagers send in their "testimony" of how and why they wanna be "made." To tell you the truth, I think it's a real sign of a deeper craving in our souls. We long for something deeper, so we search endlessly to the left and the right. if only they would notice me... if i do this, then they'd think that... i'd be that.. i would matter. i'm not saying that i'm completely apart from having these thoughts myself, but i just wonder, ya know? in that search to have something... in that search to be someone... is it all really gonna matter in eternity? i'm thinking back a few years about all of the names that really mattered... who was popular and such... and the things they did. to be honest, what they did really doesn't matter to me now. i don't really remember too much what people did, but how they treated me. it goes both ways, right? changing something external about you just so people would treat you differently? i don't know how i feel about that. i guess it's a good thing to want to feel better about yourself... but what are people really looking at? what really matters to them? what really matters to you??

i worked a double-shift today. i work 6 days this week. exhausting, i know. i haven't had much time to do anything, but sleep when i'm not working. i mean, look--i've barely been blogging since a few weeks ago:/

i keep telling myself that this job is only for a season. there are days when i am just wishing away my summer and longing to be in Missouri again with friends who are like-minded... other days, i wish for more time. i've grown really attached to some of the people i work with. there are two chinese ladies who i love because i get to practice speaking with them while teaching them english. it's such a great relationship. today, i got to translate a company meeting to one of the ladies and felt like i helped her. there's an older filipino lady whom i call "ma-ma." she has made such an impression on me. i see elements of Christ in her and it makes me smile. she is such a gentle lady and soft-spoken and wise. i can see that she selects her words carefully when she speaks. she's well-educated and well-versed. she smiles a little, and she works really hard. i truly admire her. she looks 57 years old, but get this: she's really 74!

today was a good day of work. i was a little outspoken by the second shift and said some pretty embarassing statements like asking a customer if he was dating one of the waitresses... the poor guy turned white and begged me not to match-make them. haha...

people have asked me why after all these years that i still continue to return to zippy's to work. the truth is, i see it as a mission field. i don't really talk too much about Jesus, but i try to show them love. i can't say that i'm popular there, but i enjoy working with others. what i'm finding out that in my effort to reach others, i have learned so many lessons about myself. i have learned that i can't love completly unconditionally-- it's hard. i've learned that i get stressed out. i've realized that i can get pulled down by people around me... into complacency.

that's the state i am in right now.

oh, Lord search me and know me.

it's ironic how the Lord can never steal our hearts... but the devil can. the Lord is gentle and the beautiful thing is that we already have HIS heart... He's just waiting for us to WILLINGLY give Him OURS

quiet rage

tonight, i was told by one of the cooks that i needed a boyfriend to control me. i really didn't know how to take that. this was how it went:
him: "amelia, you get boyfriend?"
me: "no"
him: "too bad, you need one fo' control you"

i flipped out and told him that he's lucky he's working in the kitchen because if he said that to my face, i'd be much more upset and do something i'd regret.

my worth is not defined by whether or not i have a man in my life. regardless of having a man or not, there will be days when i just have a small amount of patience. today was one of them.

why must ppl be so shallow?

last week, someone from work told me i was fat when she first met me last year. i'm the same size. my clothes fit me just the same.

can people think of things better to talk about.

lately, i've been dreaming of work a lot. and they're pretty disturbing dreams. one was of me yelling at a customer and another one was of my manager judging the amount of whipped cream i put on my desserts.

i need to get away.

two more months here

tabasco and other rants and ravings

tabasco sauce can cause skin burns. trust me. it happens to me a lot. no, i don't go pouring the tabasco sauce all over my skin... it just spills on my hands when i'm consolidating bottles of it. tonight, i accidently rubbed my eyes unbeknownst that it was still on my skin.

my eyes burned for 20 minutes.


i don't recommend you do that.



what makes me really sad is that there's this certain ethnic group of people (i won't say which one) who are notoriously bad tippers. i hate to listen to the stereotype, but i'm finding that it's true 90% of the time. this makes me sad, but i serve them anyway-- not expecting much. i try to tell myself that it's not always about the money.

i'm tired. i've worked five days this week. 3 of those were spent doing long double shifts. i'm tired.