St. John's

So after a summer of toiling for a job (a total of two months of unemployment), I got a job at Cracker Barrel-- fondly called "crack-a bare-o"... it's been an honest trial knowing that God put me in this position for a season and reason.

But a position at St. John's has finally come through... a patient service rep.

I keep telling myself that great things come from humble beginnings.

It's a start. It may be my ticket in... social work. health insurance. a future.

It's not that I've stopped thinking about St. Kate's... that's still in the distant future.

summer

i tried to sell my plasma today.

it's the second unsucessful attempt (out of three).. i think it's a sign that i shouldn't donate.

but i need the money.

it's not all that bad.

i knit whilst waiting...



i would say that the whole graduating thing hasn't kicked in yet.

interview tomorrow

so it's been a while since i last wrote.

i just got the call today.

the call to interview at cox.

for the social work position.



last week, i applied to 20 places....

today, i thought of going to MSU to get the MSW... a call which i still haven't gotten back yet.

but today, i got the call.

the call that i had been waiting almost two months for.



all this time, i had been unemployed :(

here's my chance:

pray.

screaming drugs

i heard a blood curdling scream today. it was the cry of a man in pain. he had a brain injury as a result of a motor vehicle accident. this man, who was described as docile by his mother, was unconsciously injuring staff members by trying to break their arms and screaming sexual obscenities.

i don't know how much of it is pain and how much of it is his injury. but i was scared of this man.

i forgot to mention that i told his wife he was still on drugs.

hearing her cry on the phone was very hard for me... and so emotionally draining.

the poor guy's family fell apart because of his poor choices.

i pray my husband never goes down that path.

pic of meth mouth.

don't do it.

11 days from graduation

i'm sitting in research class and we're talking about the will of God.

the will of God.

what is the will of God?

does God have a will?

hm..

what is God's will for my life? can His will even be defined?

Prof Qualls says that God is more interested in our relationship with him rather than the things that we do in our lives.

I do think that the things we do can dictate the relationship that we have with God.



I have no idea what I am going to be doing with my life.

I've applied to St. John's, but they haven't gotten back to me yet.






I woke up in love with Jesus today. it was a great feeling

it was a good day.

chapel policy

so there's a promise of a repeal of some chapel policy that states that no more than 40 percent of chapel attendance can come from alternate chapels.

some campaign promise.

seriously, people. what's so hard about hauling your butt to sit in a semi-comfortable chair and listen to a little word from God? people in third world countries risk their life to travel to prayer meetings and services. instead, we sleep in. we do homework. we sleep or text in chapel.

i am not gonna lie. i am guilty of some of these infractions.

we've got it so easy... the word is brought to us. but why must we complain that we are being spoon-fed unwillingly? why does the chapel speaker fail to reach us?

we're selfish. we're spoiled. we want something real.

but how real are we willing to be?

obviously not real enough to practice the spiritual discipline of worship. how many of us actually pray and do devos every day? when was the last time you prayed?

thoughts

i'm listening to a sermon series on song of songs. it's pretty good.

five reasons for sex:
pleasure
children
one-ness/togetherness
comfort
protection (heh?... protection from temptation of sin)

i'll be going to virginia at the end of the week. i'm pretty excited about that.

i'm halfway through the final semester at EU. i can't believe it's all gone by...

praise God.

et retreat

i am at the ET retreat... and it's been wonderful. although i'm working on homework and operating on two cups of coffee, meds for allergies, and a multivitamin (i'm wired)... i feel wonderful.

i hope to get a job at St. John's. please pray for that.

jason patterson spoke last night.. i'm just so excited to see what God is doing in my heart... i see His phenomenal works in my life and my heart... how he has healed my broken and wearied spirit.

i'm beginning to see what a beautiful thing it is to just be still before God.

:)

i don't know where God is leading me in this next chapter, but I have confidence that it will all work out.

oh yah, i got a speeding ticket yesterday. 12 miles over. i think i'm not gonna contest it and just pay the fine. *sigh... at least i am not on my parent's insurance anymore... but that still sucks.


it's time to grow up.

part of me doesn't want to, but part of me can't wait for the next chapter of my life.

hunger banquet

we were supposed to have a hunger banquet tonight.

i was hungry.

i was cold.

i don't know how homeless people could stand to be outside during this time.

questioning faith in medicine

working at st. john's has caused me to question where my faith is. is it in God who can divinely heal? or is it in medicine that can provide palliative efforts toward rehabilitation?

i don't know.

but i love practicum-ing at the hospital despite witnessing people puke and yell at me.... :/ it's a place i feel comfortable.

i'm staying in springfield.

i've decided that.



i think i should pray and fast about that.

and fast about what my living situation is going to be.

*sigh

God is good!!

:D

i want to go on a missions trip.

i've never been on one before. i've never been out of the country (canada doesn't count)

there are so many things on my mind

krispy krunchies

yield: 4 doz

1 c butter
2 c sugar
2 eggs
1/2 c chunky peanut butter
2 c flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 c quick oats
2 c crisp rice cereal
1 6 oz pkg chocolate pieces

cream butter and sugar tntil light and fluffy. add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. add peanut butter and mix well. gradually add flour, baking soda, and baking powder, which have been mixed together; stir in remaining ingredients. drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto lightly greased cookie sheets. bake. temperature: 350. time: 15-20 minutes or until lightly brown

recipe for mac-nut cheesecake bars

i found this recipe in my mom's recipe book. i think recipe books are my new passion.

1 c flour
1/3 c butter or margarine, softened
1/3 c brown sugar, packed
1/2 c chopped mac nuts
1 egg, beaten
1 8 oz pkg cream cheese softened
1/4 c sugar
2 TBs milk
1 TB lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

combine flour, butter, and brown sugar in small mixer bowl; mix on low speed until mixture is mealy. stir in nuts; set aside 1 cup for topping. press remander into ungreased 8" square pan. bake at 350 for 12-15 min or until light brown. combine remaining incredients in small mixer bowl; beat well on medium speed; pour over baked crust and spread evently. springkle with reserved flour misture. bake for additional 25-30 minutes. cool; cut into bars. if desired, top with fresh fruit of choice to serve.

power outages

so the power was out for 17 hours in kaneohe the other day. people were panicking... banding together... camping out in their cars with their dvd players.

my mom slept.

my brother and i played with fire.

at least it was warm and it wasn't an ice storm. lol

i have come to the conclusion that natural crises bring out the best or worst in people.


i rather like the candle-lit atmosphere... it's rather romantic, right?




so today, i wore a ring on my left ring finger. it's one of those spinners that says "he loves me". any of my friends would know that's a purity ring or whatever they call it. i bought it some weeks ago and thought it was neat and good reminder that my Heavenly Father loves me. Jesus loves me... and someday, my husband will love me. so i shouldn't be so quick to give my heart away to the next joe schmoe that says the right things to me. it doesn't fit too well on my right hand... plus it has worked to ward off perverts.

speaking of... i went to visit my old work place. they didn't hire me back. but that worked in my favor. the creep-o that kept saying incessant things to me and calling me "baby" this past summer clearly followed me from one side of the restaurant to the other. he came at me like he was going to hug me... but i quickly moved away and grabbed one of the waitresses to block me.

it's a good thing i didn't get hired back.

so, back to the ring. my pastor and my nieces berrated me with questions because that's the "wrong" finger to wear a ring on... unless i am betrothed... or whatever the word is... but whatever. i didn't bother explaining things to them because i didn't think it important for them to know.

i hung out with an old friend today. it reminds me of the times we'd hang out before. it was nice being around him and just talking about life... then we went and peroused around a thrift store.

my new passion.

you never know what you can find.

i'm not sure why i'm feeling so chatty. maybe because i haven't blogged since the beginning of this month.

i forgot to mention the ordeal i went through from MO to MN... then from MN to HI... but i'll save that for another day. just ask me.

today in church, pastor was talking about what we thought of our church, ourselves, and our world... in all the changes that we've had... and i thought about all of the hard times i have gone through this year.

i fought depression. i said goodbye to a friend who meant so much to me. i welcomed another niece into the world. i have decided (tentatively) on my future.

here's the clincher:
I AM THINKING ABOUT STAYING IN SPRINGFIELD... GETTING A JOB... GOING TO MSU'S MSW PROGRAM.

okay, i think i've written enough for now

infatuated

i'm infatuated.

in-FAT-u-ate-d

yeah... haha

no really. i struggle with the difference between love, lust, and infatuation. yeah, i think it's more so infatuation.
but i don't really think it's even that.

maybe it's just appreciation.

fascination?

haha..

what do I feel for God? what does He feel for me?

Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, "life is not pleasant anymore."
-ecc 12:1

God has seriously wrapped his arms around my broken heart in the past several weeks... He has enraptured me.... :D For a while, I forgot him... and life became unpleasant :(

hormones.
midterms.
depression.
angst.
michael.
resolution.

It's weird to say Michael's death brought resolution. I have his pic on my desk and remember to pray for his family... I've never had any deeply rooted romantic feelings for him. I have always respected the man that he was and the passion he had...

I would've liked to marry a man like him. I still do.

Oh, how I wish he was here again. I wish I could see him in my dreams and tell him that I miss him... I wish I could tell him that I finally found a girl right for him (which I still have yet to find... haha) I wish to hug him again. He gave good hugs :)... esp coming from a family of seven boys and one girl ;)

it's been almost a month since he died. i still miss him.

thanksgiving

1. I'm going home to Springfield tonight :)
2. I still miss Michael. Being home brings back so many memories of him. I remember the summer before this past one, I used to call him when I got off work and talk to him on the drive home. I remember when I'd talk to him, it's be like nothing else in the world would matter to him. Yet, my mind and heart were a million miles away... over something so trivial. I am haunted in a sense. But I don't want this to go away. I wish I could have a "shack" (the book) experience with him.... to see him again...
3. I am incredibly thankful for my family... I got to hold my squirmy niece today :)
4. God has blessed me so much.

elephant in the living room

there it is.

it casts a long shadow.

but no one talks about it.

missing michael

yesterday was his funeral.

i still miss him.


i found out the truth.

it still hurts.



i want michael back.

the fray

i heard this song while watching grey's..

it suits me.


listen.

i admire mormons

i've always admired the mormon people.

various reasons, of course.
1. their great looking guys (clean shaven) with their white t's and ties and how they would walk down the sidewalk carrying their bible
2. (it's funny how i put that as number one).. i knew a couple mormon guys in hs.. and i'm not gonna lie-- they were really good-looking ;)
3. in chinese, mo-moon... "to touch the door"... it suited them because they'd go around door-to-door to build relationships with people and share the good news
4. how they'd send their young men on missions for months or years at a time
5. their sense of family

yet, in a shadow side, i secretly thought they were inferior because of their beliefs about certain things.

i took a look at some of their beliefs this weekend... sure, some of them are different... not exactly out of the bible... and some of their practices may seem unorthodox.


in retrospect, does it all really even matter? why are we so hell-bent on getting people to think certain ways?

yet, why are some of us so put off by the free expression of appearances (even in the "christian circle")??
why don't we go door-to-door spreading the good news? why don't we even talk to our neighbor about Jesus?
why are we so unwilling to go on long-term missions trips?
where has our sense of family gone?



michael was mormon... most of his life...


i can't help but miss him and wish he could share his faith with me.

grief

so i am home right now and i'm wondering what i'm doing up at 6:51 in the morning (i blame missouri time).

i'm still grieving. i lost a very close friend of mine. michael j. maneha.

my heart hurts and i can't fathom why he was taken. i just can't.

i went through the cycles of grief, but the thing is: that's why it's called a cycle.

the closer to home i got, the sadder i felt. the more i felt the reality of a hole in my heart of someone who was not here anymore.

i can't call on him anymore. i hear michael buble's "home" and can't stop thinking of him.

i had several serious breakdowns earlier last week when i found out he had passed away. grief. guilt. dispair.

many ppl told me that it wouldn't be something that michael wanted me to feel. but that's the thing: he wasn't here anymore and i had to feel it.

it was the cycle of grief.

i have several ADD thoughts running rampant in my mind right now.

but God is good.

it's good to be home, but there's rain here the whole time (so i don't get to hit the beach).

it's a heck of a lot warmer here than it was in springfield. in fact, ppl are wearing hoodies in 67 degree weather. i used to do that. now, i can traipse around in shorts and a t-shirt.

i miss michael.


grief is not interested in answers; it wants things the way they were.

questions still stand unanswered.



tomorrow is his funeral. maybe i'll find some answers then.

until then, michael... i miss you so much. what i wouldn't give to have you back.. to talk to you again... to see you smile and laugh at life.

a hui hou, mike..